Another Mans Crimes

I wrote this in 2003 (I think). I know Skye published it on Lifemothers.com at that time. I may have written it earlier. Its kinda self explanatory.

I should note that the person this was written about has read this. So has my daughter. He hates it. He blames me and this text for his relationship (or lack thereof) with our daughter. I understand why he would feel this. And even why she might feel this. But its real. Its truthful. Its what I felt and a very high level summary of what happened. Its not a lie.

He will have to deal with the consequences of his own actions. (And he has and still is). That all I will say. I am teetering very close to violating his privacy and breaking my own rule of not discussing him.

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Anothers Mans Crimes
by S. Bednarz, 2003

He always complained about my inability to be intimate. Not just sexually or physically intimate but emotionally. He routinely stated he felt I kept him at a distance. That I never let him get close to me. That I hid behind a large emotional wall.

He knew of my childhood. He knew how badly my father had treated me. The verbal and physical abuse. The alcoholism. He was convinced that my inability to truly trust Him, to get close to Him, was my fathers fault. When we fought, He would always end it by telling me I was punishing Him for another mans crimes. He told me I was holding Him responsible for the crimes my father had committed against me. He told me we would never go anywhere in our relationship as long as I looked at Him and saw my Dad.

Maybe He was right. Correction. He was right. I did not realize that until years later when I went through my own therapy. I did not realize it until He had also committed a crime against me.

My Dad may have physically and verbally abused me. But the emotional abuse I suffered at His hand was far worse. He left me. He told me He loved me. He told me He would die without me. He wrote me great poetry, sang me great songs, showed me a kindness and a warmth I had never felt before. Convinced me He loved me like no other.

Until I got pregnant. Then He left me. He found a new girlfriend, never told his family, went on with His life as I was violently ejected from mine. Gave birth to our daughter and placed her for adoption. He just left me. With no regard for the life we had created, the emotional state He left me in, the effects of the unplanned pregnancy on my life path. Just left me. No more blaming Him for another mans crimes. He had committed his own...and left me.

Seventeen years later, I am still punishing the men in my life for the crimes of other men. I am now married to the most amazing, caring, wonderful man. I am also the mother of two sons that are as amazing as their Dad. I watch them play and my heart swells with joy. Moments pass and the swelled heart is deflated and the pain is back again. I have three great men in my life. I am still minus one daughter.

My mind wanders to Him. To her. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. A hole that not even my amazing sons and husband can fill. There is a sadness they did not cause, they cannot repair, yet they are faced with every day. I am punishing them by not giving them ALL of me because of what He did.

I wonder if they know.

He is still right. I do keep men at a distance. I have an emotional wall. He made sure that wall was solid before he left me