Sad, Mad, Scared

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” - Virginia Satir

I am sad at the loss of her.
I am sad that she had to grow up adopted.
I am sad she grew up an only child.
I am sad that she may have felt rejected, abandoned, unloved, unwanted. She was none of those things.
I am sad that my two other children may never know their sister.
I am sad that certain people in my life continue to be embarrassed and ashamed by me and my experience and the work I do for others.
I am sad she doesn’t want to meet (yet?).
I am sad that my adoption trauma has negatively affected other relationships.
I am sad and mad that I am her dirty secret and she cannot discuss me with her aparents.
I am mad at myself for surrendering her.
I am mad at myself for being ignorant to little ditties like Primal Wound. 
I am mad at the agency for their coercion and intimidation.
I am mad that they threatened to sue me if I did not give her to them. I am mad and sad that I caved and gave in.
I am mad that they lied to me about her going into foster care.
I am mad that they lied to me about her adoption being semi-open (which really means semi-closed). They promised me pictures and updates for her entire life. They never came.
I am mad that I really believed the caseworker liked me and cared about me.
I am mad she used that perceived friendship to take my child from me.
I am mad at the Catholic Church.
I am mad that a country like ours places so little value on the mother child bond and believes it better to remove a child from the breast of its mother and give the child to someone who has a car and home but no breast milk.
I am mad that they agency told her parents that their money was going towards post relinquishment counseling for me. I received none.
I am mad I was never told the legal process.
I am mad that I had no legal representation.
I am mad I was never told of a revocation period.
I am mad that revocation would have never  been honored had I known about it.
I am mad that adults around me in the maternity home knew the truth about my agency but kept it from me.
I am scared at what this may have done to her and what it means to us and our future.
I am scared I may never know her like I want to know her.
I am scared I may never get the chance to meet her.
I am scared that she is angry with me and may stay angry with me forever.

Comments

[Rebecca]

While I'd like to think I know you, this really helps me to understand you a bit better. I love you, will never be ashamed of you and wish you much happiness, Rebecca

[Margie]

Echoing everything everyone else has said here - and adding a hope that you and your daughter meet one day very, very soon.

[bethany]

I can relate. I hurt not just for me, but for all of us natural mothers and for our children.

[Theresa]

Thank you so much for sharing that. I'd say it should be highlighted on your Popular Posts but I often feel that way about everything you write. I made a mental note to myself though that the next time I'm feeling way too out of sorts, I should sit down and write my own mad/sad/scared. It may keep me from lashing out at an innocent bystander. So thank you again.

[Nina]

Good for you for making that list, Suz. I think it's important to be able to identify exactly what is distressing, to put a framework on it. I read each and every entry on your list. I can't imagine carrying around that sort of burden. I do hope - some day - it will be possible for you to forgive yourself just a little and that your daughter will get past whatever is holding her back and meet you. Warm fuzzy thoughts across cyberspace.

[joy]

Oh Suz, big XXXXXXXXXXXXs and OOOOOOOOOOOOOs too.

[suz]

Shell - Thanks for your support. I am struggling to note what I am thankful for in adoption. This is my blog dedicated solely to adoption and I am not thankful for its presence in my life at all. If you meant what am I happy about in other areas of my life. there are many, but I dont write about that stuff here.

[Elizabeth]

{{{{Suz}}}}

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of us who have been through adoption hell.

[Shell]

It's sad, all the things you have listed....I don't mean this in a derogetory way at all...but i would also like to see your list of all the thing for which you are thankful. Maybe it would help you feel good ---i know you are thankful for your kids. okay.....now start listing....

[LeRoy Dissing]

I enjoy Virginia Satir's writings. A very influential woman with a powerful message.

I know you are in reunion with your daughter Suz but for the life of me, I can't recall just where that is at. I mean do you and her have regular, meaningful communication/visits or is it distant?

I think any woman/man considering giving their child up for adoption should have to read all these blogs. It is heart wrenching to say the least.

[Chez]

(((((((((((((((Suz))))))))))))))))
So many of these ring true for me - from the adoptee side of the fence.
Why are there so many mums who can't have contact with their children / and so many adoptees that can't have contact with their mum's.
It just doesn't seem right.
Thinking of you.

[Jane]

I'm sorry for everything you've been through Suz.

If I could have one wish, it would be for a world full of people with compassion. Then, perhaps, these crimes would cease to exisit.

[mia]

Suz I have a question for you but I can't seem to locate your email address. Can you email me when you have time please? Thank You!

[JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ]

(((((((((((Suz)))))))))))

[mia]

You have company Suz. xoxo

[Susan]

I'm sorry about all of those things.