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  • Mother to three beautiful children. Oldest child surrendered to adoption. Reunited in 2005.Writer, designer, jewelry maker, reader, searcher, friend, sister, deep thinker, INFJ, chronic hair colorer, considered EMO, pierced, tattooed, a gemini, and a recovering catholic. Love travel, languages, books, fonts, pens, cool paper, color, solitude, and oh yeah, coffee.


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    “...lukewarm acceptance is far more bewildering than outright rejection” - Martin Luther King

    “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” –Kahlil Gibran

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  • "Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenue each year..." - Commission on Human Rights, resolution 2002/92; E/CN/2002/79; page 25
  • "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." - Voltaire
  • "Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included." - Karl Marx
  • "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."- Friedrich Nietzsche

  • "Adoption is a violent act, a political act of aggression towards a woman who has supposedly offended the sexual mores by committing the unforgivable act of not suppressing her sexuality, and therefore not keeping it for trading purposes through traditional marriage. The crime is a grave one, for she threatens the very fabric of our society. The penalty is severe. She is stripped of her child by a variety of subtle and not so subtle manoeuvres and then brutally abandoned." - Joss Shawyer, Death by Adoption, Cicada Press (1979)

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« Unlearning Adoption | Main | Herd Mentality »

August 29, 2007

I cannot hide.

“The Universe is one great kindergarten for man. Everything that exists has brought with it its own peculiar lesson.” - Orson Swett Marden

He smiled so far and wide I thought his mouth might envelope his entire head. As he waved from the school bus window, tears began to form in my eyes.

I was so proud of him. He was doing so well. He felt like a big kid now and was so proud of himself. He should be. Its a tough thing to leave your mama and head off to big kid school. Tougher perhaps for mama herself. 

I was comforted by the dark Brighton sunglasses I had on. He could not see the tears rolling from my eyes. He would not understand them. Joy, pride, sadness, and more all rolled up into one morning. At his age, tears are sadness and pain. I did not want him to think that. Thank you Brighton.

Dsc01564As the bus pulled away from the curb he blew me kisses. I felt them land magically on my cheeks.  Davids mother, standing next to me, commented on my sons deep dimples and how  excited he was.

Yes. I agree. He was. My baby boy went off to kindergarten.

I thought of my daughter for a bit of a flashing moment. I wasn't sad about her. I did not imagine her five year old self next to him. I worked hard on making the morning all about him.

I thought I succeeded.

Eight hours later I arrive at the school to pick up both of my sons. New school, new facilities, I was a bit lost. I did not know where the after school program was held.

A helpful smiling looking woman walked towards me from the end of the hall. She must have noticed my look of confusion.

"Can I help you?", she asks.

I introduce myself, tell her I am looking for the after school program. I am here to pick up my boys. She starts to point in the opposite direction and begins muttering directions.

Suddenly she stops.

"Oh, where are my manners!", she exclaims. "Let me take you".

As we walk towards the other end of the building we are stopped several times by other children, parents, teachers. Clearly this woman/teacher is well known and liked in the school. I can see why. She has a bright smile and just exudes tenderness.

We approach the room where my children are playing and she turns to me.

"Well, here you go. I see your boys right there. Be sure to sign them out. Nice to meet you." she says as she walks away.

"Now where are my manners!" I say "Thank you and by the way, I am Suz [last name]. Thanks for your help it was nice to meet you".

"You are very welcome. I am [my daughters amended name], the school nurse".

And she walks away.

Yes, the school nurse at my sons new school has the same first and last name as my daughter.

Can I get a big round of WTF!!!

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What an adorable little face! So excited.
And the WTF moment...crazy.

Holy off-guard-moment, Batman! That would have thrown me for a loop.

That is a beautiful picture! Seriously I can see that pic being on the front cover of American Teacher mag.

About the WTF moment. You can run, but you can't hide from adoption. There is no escape. Well death maybe. UGH.

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