Take the Red Pill

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” - George Bernard Shaw

A friend and I were recently discussing adaptability. He told me that, in his opinion, I am too adaptable. 

Can you be too adaptable?  I always thought being adaptable was a good thing. It meant strong, flexible, understanding, able to survive.

He agreed and but explained to me that individuals who are too adaptable are often insane people pleasers. They often go out of their way to do anything for anyone. They are concerned with everyones comfort and often have their own emotional boundaries violated.

I laughed.

Well, dude, that is soooooooooooo not me. No one in my immediate circle of friends would call me a people pleaser. I simply am not.

Then he laughed.

Ah, but you are wrong, he said.  Even adaptability has a shadow. (I snickered to myself. More shadow talk.)

Friend went on to explain that in his guesstimation my version of over adapting is:

"I don't need anyone".

He hypothesized that since I was a child I had been continually disappointed by others and left to fend for myself. This can be traced as far back as my infancy when I spent weeks in a hospital for a variety of health ailments. My parents weren't there as my mother was pregnant and caring for my siblings and my father was working.  I was left in the care of medical staff from a very young age. I had several surgeries by the time I was five. I was always comforted by strangers.

It exists in my tween and teen years when my fathers alcoholism caused significant damage to my family system and later when I was pregnant when no one helped ME but everyone helped themselves to my child.

I learned, consistently, that people could not be relied upon to help me and I therefore adapted to that environment by helping myself and not depending on anyone else.

At this point is his explanation, I started to cry.

How does one un-adapt?  How do I identify and dispose of those coping skills that once served me well but are no longer needed?  Can I give them a viking funeral? Place them in a boat, light it on fire and send them out to sea?

And how can I, as a secondary goal, help other mothers to not adapt? How can I help them to exit the adoption industry matrix?   How can I help them to take the red pill and bring their babies home?

Comments

[Denise Roessle]

Yikes Suz! Your post spoke to me. Yes, we can be too adaptable, too self-reliant, too not needy. Whether we are "people pleasers" or not (and I admit I am... always there, can't say no, jeeeezzzz), we don't admit our own vulnerability, don't ask for help. Old habits die hard. Like you, I always thought my strength was admirable. But it comes back to haunt me. People expect it when I can't do it and deny my own needs in order to live up to their expectations. Not good. Maybe for them, but not for us.

Something to think about... How to change our natures, I do not know.

[HeatherRainbow]

As soon as you figure that out... let me know. I always thought that I needed to be the bending branch in the wind, less I be a broken branch. Though what you say speaks volumes to me. I don't need anyone... I'll do it all myself... but the truth is... if someone had helped me, I wouldn't be in this horrible spot that I am in.