Writing My Wrongs

One Order of Hugs and Snugs, Please.

"Everybody needs a hug.  It changes your metabolism."  ~Leo Buscaglia

I have been reading about other mothers taking a break from their adoption blogs or considering making them private.

I understand this.  I have been pondering same.

I would not make it private. I find that annoying and decreases readership when someone has to remember my password. (It is one reason why I don’t ask for passwords of those that go private. I never remember them.)

I am more likely to take a break. Of all the possible stressors in my life, dealing with adoption related trauma and topics ranks at the top of the list. Add regular life stuff to it, and I turn into a bumbling idiot (that leaves her car running).

The past few weeks have been hell on me. Other than losing my daughter to baby brokers, I don’t think I have ever been under so much pressure. Financial issues caused by divorce, house sale and closing, finding a new place to live, dealing with my sons pending surgery (minor), changing jobs. I am beat. Drawn. Exhausted. Depleted.

I have been staying away from the computer in the evenings. This was not a decision made with intent. It was dictated by the environment. I sold my home office furniture and desk and currently the only way to work on a computer is to sit with my laptop on top of two packed boxes. It is not comfortable.

I have also been sick with a respiratory thing and I just don’t have the energy. My hair is falling out in massive clumps (all stress related). My master bathroom sink is getting regular servings of Draino to deal with the nests of red and burgundy hair that seem to collect there (mea culpa future owners). My back is tight and sore and I have lost weight.

My daughters’ college graduation is on the horizon as is her 22 birthday. I am hoping to get a gift out to her and I am behind in both shopping, wrapping and shipping. I must do it soon for as soon as she leaves college I will be prohibited from mailing more gifts. I am not permitted to mail anything to her parents home (they don’t appreciate it). Alas, more stress.

So yeah, I want a break. More than that I want to be snuggled and cry for a bit. I think of my friend Joe and his use of the "hugs and snugs menu" term. I could use some.

I need to place an order.

Do You Know?

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.  ~Dinah Shore

Another mom asked me:

"How do we let our children know that their behavior is unacceptable and hurtful to us but that doesn’t mean THEY are unacceptable? Furthermore, how do we assure them that a bump in the relationship road does not mean the end of the road? How can we assure them that all relationships have problems and challenges and that just because we experience challenges with them does not mean we would ever leave them again (or that we ever wanted to in the first place)?

How do we stand firm and have self-respect in the face of children who have no respect for us due to what they believe we did to them (that is, willingly and joyfully abandoned them to the point of frolicking in a field of butterflies)?"

Um, err, I don’t know. I am trying but I am by no means sure of even my own efforts.

A case in point, last year, my daughter was rather rude to me. I was upset and I responded with a statement that asked her to please tell me her feelings, I told her she hurt my feelings. I asked her to please treat me with respect and not act like a brat (or something like that…those weren’t my exact words). I was noting her behavior and how it made me feel.

Her response to me?

"My parents never called me names".

I winced a teeny bit when I read that but I did not make it my problem. In my opinion it was a deflection. It was an attempt to take the negative attention off of her behavior and how it made me feel and put the negative behavior onto me.

I did not call her a name. I referenced a behavior. I shared how her behavior made me feel (badly) and I was attempting to bridge a gap that existed in our individual expectations. She could not possibly know something hurt me unless I was to tell her. So I did.

It did not seem to matter. She used the adoption card against me, you know the "you-are- a-shitty-mother-and-my-parents-would-never-call-me-names-so-therefore-I-was-better- off-with-them-and-not-you" dagger in the heart card.

Again, I winced but I did not recoil or retreat. I also did not lash back or get into an argument or debate. I saw the red herring for what it was. I let it go.

Deflection.

I am quite accustomed to deflections. My ex-husband was a master at making arguments that were rooted in his behavior somehow my fault. I am also, historically, a master at accepting blame (starts with the Scapegoat Role in an alcoholic family system). Without fail, every discussion, every argument about something he did to me that hurt me always ended up being my own fault. I caused it. I created it. I was responsible. I deserved it. If I had not done X than he would not have done Y.

Consider the following, offered for illustration purposes only, not a true account:

"Honey, why did you just hit me?"

"I did not hit you. You put your face in front of my hand and turned very suddenly"

Or even better and more specific to this post:

"Why did the agency lie to me? Why did my parents sign that promissory note and later the agency threaten me with it?"

"Because you got pregnant out of wedlock by a boy you loved with all your heart"

Huh?

Seriously, I am not kidding. People think and actually say those things.

But I digress.

The only suggestion that I have in reunion is to focus on behavior and to use "I" statements. Many adoptees have serious abandonment issues. Mothers do to. Before we abandoned our children, we were abandoned by our family, our churches, our boyfriends. Our children were abandoned by us after we were abandoned by everyone. We spend years trying to find them and when we do, we are terrified we will lose them again.

The slightest hint of an argument, of someone being mad, is likely to trigger that "ut-oh feeling". You know, that feeling that says "Mom is going to leave me again" or that "OMFG, I cannot lose my child again. This time I will surely kill myself".

I can honestly say I would never ever leave my daughter again no matter what she did or said to me. HOWEVER, that does not mean I would just accept poor, hurtful, disrespectful behavior.

How do we walk that fine line between understanding and love and not allowing ourselves to be abused by our children? How do we allow them their very justifiable anger and adoption related trauma and not make it ours or allow ourselves to be used as the whipping post? How do we avoid the likelihood of creating a very dysfunctional relationship?

I don’t know. I am struggling with it myself.

It is very difficult since many mothers in general were abused and disregarded and brainwashed into believing we deserved to be treated poorly. We deserve to be punished. Desperate to keep our children near coupled with a tendency to allow others to abuse us, is a perfect recipe (in my opinion) for an incredibly painful reunion relationship – at least for mothers. We could easily allow our children to stomp all over us out of fear that not allowing that will cause us to lose them again.

How do we manage this? How can we navigate murky waters filled with emotional land mines while retaining the hope and confidence that we will not be left or lost again?

Burden of Proof

“For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.” - Stuart Chase

It’s a concept I hear about often. Maybe concept is the wrong word. Perhaps requirement, or condition or term of agreement might be better.

Proof. Proving. Prove.

In legal venues, the burden of proof is the requirement or obligation for a person or persons to prove allegations that are presented as part of a legal action. For example, if a District Attorney wants to charge someone with a crime, the burden of proof is on DA to prove that individual is guilty of said crime.

In the case of adoption reunion is it often the case that the burden of proof rests with the mothers. In our cases, we must prove that we love our children and always have.

I must say I find this somewhat disturbing.

How can one possibly prove love to a child we surrendered? To add to the conundrum, is the fact that we allegedly (according to the "experts" that counseled or coerced us) were doing just that at time of surrender. By abandoning our children to the hands of strangers we were proving how much we love them.

Huh?

It seems ridiculous to write. It is even more so to read. Yet that is what mothers are told and in many cases truly believe. "If you love your child you will give them away. You will give them a better chance at life than the one they could have with you. Here, love your child NOW and sign this paper. If you don’t love your child, you would keep them. You want to love your child, RIGHT?".

If you are a mother who really believed that, what can you possibly do in reunion when an adult adoptee wants you to "prove" to them that you love them.

I know some mothers who believe the way you prove your love to someone is to buy them material objects. Contrast that against the adoptees I know who view themselves as purchased objects and DESPISE being "bought" again. They were purchased by their adoptive parents and then later their adoptive parents slathered them with material goods to show them what a good parents they were. Gifts don’t work for those types of adoptees. What would?

I know other mothers who believe the way you prove your love to your child is to let the child abuse you and ignore you and hurt you forever.

I personally have a problem with that approach as well. As that implies we deserve that treatment and we did something we should be punished for. First we are punished by our families, our churches, the agencies and then our children? Does it ever stop? And do the adoptees and mothers who choose punish and reward approach really learn to love each other? Maybe they do. I know husbands and wives who abuse each other terribly yet remain together. I don’t think it would work for me (for if that approach worked I suspect I would have stayed married).

Making up for lost time is another approach I have been mothers take. They buy presents and cards for every missed birthday. They smother their child with hugs and kisses and too many phone calls and text messages. They try to give back all the mothering that was lost over a number of years in a very short time frame. Does that prove love to our children? Or does that annoy the fuck out of them? (It would me).

The "prove it" mentality disturbs me largely because I don’t think it is healthy nor do I think it is possible. The very idea that my daughter may demand I prove something I simply cannot terrifies me. Once again, I am not a good enough mother. I cannot "prove" my love. To me it is like being asked to prove the existence of God. You either believe or you don’t.

My ex husband once told me the way I could prove my love for him would be to stop my adoption work, stop being in contact with my daughters father, and to do a laundry list of other things. I refused nearly all of them.

If loving you, means losing me, I find that not love but sheer misery.

I actually googled the question "how do you prove your love". Interestingly, there was a yahoo question along the same lines and one of the respondents indicated that you don’t "prove" love but rather you demonstrate it.

That I can agree with.

That I think I can do.

I can demonstrate my love for my daughter by being understanding, compassionate, kind, open, respectful, aware, not expecting her to fix me, and most importantly realizing (as hard as it is) that when she is hurtful to me it is adoption she is lashing out at – not me – for she doesn’t even know me.

I can demonstrate my love by being there for her – now or twenty years from now – if she wants me to be. I can demonstrate my love by allowing her to feel her pain and not make it my own or move to fix it or hide it or diminish it or tell her to get over it. I can demonstrate my love to her by encouraging her, laughing with her, and allowing her to cry when she needs to.  I can demonstrate my love by setting boundaries – and allowing her to do same – that are safe and secure.

I can just be me.

Me I can prove. Me I understand. Me I can demonstrate and Her I can love.

Its her choice to accept that love or not.

Leading the Witness

"Deception is a cruel act... It often has many players on different stages that corrode the soul.” - Donna Favors

In the course of cleaning out and repacking my home for my big move, I stumbled across several emotionally triggering items from years past.

One of them was a folder that was dated 2000. It contained all my pre-search information. It also had a letter from the Illinois Department of Public Health stating they had no record of my daughter’s birth. This was no surprise. It was a long shot. I had attempted to get a copy of her OBC by requesting it (sometimes people at those offices make mistakes or send stuff they aren’t supposed to). It was interesting to muse over the letter and reflect back on the person I was eight years ago when I read it.

Also contained in the folder were certified mail return receipts that indicate I had mailed information, updates, to the agency. They were signed for by a "Lisa Steiner". I know they were received. Will they ever make it to my daughter? No. But I can confidently state I tried to do everything possible for her to find me.

The final and most disturbing item in the folder was about five pages of hand written notes. The notes were written on yellow lined paper. They were written by my caseworker at the time, Colleen Rogers. It is the profile of my daughter’s adoptive parents.

In May of 1986, these documents, along with several others, were shoved in front of me while I sat on my hospital bed and I was told to "pick" one. This is a common agency tactic. Presenting mothers with profiles and leading us to believe we are empowered and are choosing our children’s families. In reality, with this network of agencies, no such things occurred. It was a tactic. While many of our children did go to those yellow paper thin profiled families, many did not. Classic bait and switch. Many mothers discovered upon reunion that the families they had chosen for their children were not the families they were placed with. Many mothers were devout Catholics and begged, pleaded that their children were placed with Catholics. They were presented Catholic profiles and they picked them. They found upon reunion their children were raised Jewish. Other mothers were told their children would remain in IL. They were raised in NJ (where an surprising number of Easter House adoptees were placed).

Coercion, plain and simple. I am quite confident if a mother told the agency she wanted her child raised with wolves, the agency would have promised it just to get her to sign.

Not only did the agency coerce mothers with false empowerment, but many of the profiles were doctored and modified to stack the deck in the favor of the family they wanted us to pick. My daughters family profile clearly states there is NO history of substance abuse in either side of the adoptive family. This was planted there for me. I had spent months with my caseworker telling her how much I feared my daughter would be raised as I was – within an alcoholic family system.

I learned from my daughter early in reunion there is alcoholism in her adoptive family system and there always was. If the agency had told me the truth would I have "picked" this family? I would guess not. Did I pick that family or was I lead down the only path they wanted me to follow?

I don’t have the words to express how violated and used and manipulated I felt (and still feel). I don’t know how much more of that profile is false. I have told my daughter she is welcome to review it (and keep a copy) but to date she has not asked to even read it. I have also told her that I would like her to someday separate the truth from the lies for me.

I deserve that.

I always did.

I did not spend much time re-reading the profile yesterday. I couldn’t. I was surrounded by my sons, my ex-husband, a family member visiting from Germany and another friend (a first mom). When I found the document, I felt like I had been hit with a cannon ball. I had to stop for a moment and compose myself for I was about to burst into tears.

Reviewing the document always sends me back to two days post partum with my baby girl in my arms. It is an emotionally crippling memory.

I put the document back in its folder and immediately took it into the house.

Someday, I hope my daughter does read it.

Someday, I hope I learn the truth.

White Flag Realities

"We cannot, we will not, choose the path of surrender” - Woodrow Wilson

“Hello, Janie, come in.  Sit down. You and that baby should be comfortable.  Do you want to put your feet up?”

Janie  smiles a weak smile, hiding it behind long bangs. She takes the seat offered but declines the need to put her feet up.

“I understand you are considering surrendering your child to adoption? Is that correct?”

Janie nods.

“Alright then. Why don’t we get started?  There are a few things I would like you to consider before you surrender your child.

1. Your child’s adoptive parents may divorce. Divorce rates in the United States indicate that a marriage today has a 50/50 chance of ending in divorce.  Marriages that have been strained by infertility sometimes have a greater chance of divorce IF the couple has not worked through the infertility issues and of course, if infertility was even a reason for their adoption.  Not all couples adopt due to infertility. Just keep in mind that if you are surrendering your child due to your single motherhood status, there is NO guarantee your child wont end up being raised by a single mother.  Additionally, more and more agencies are placing children with single adoptive mothers. Unless you meet your child’s adoptive parents, you have no way of knowing.
2. Adoptive parents are permitted by law, to give back, abandon your child for any reason. They can state the child was not a good fit, did not eat the foods they wanted the child to eat, whatever they desire. This can be done immediately (often called a disrupted adoption) or many years after your child has been with the adoptive family.  Important to note the child will NOT be given back to you. No matter your child’s age, if the adoptive parent changes their mind about the quality of your child, the state, the agency, or other will take your child. You will never be told.
3. Now, this might make you think you can change your mind.  While many states offer revocation periods, few truly honor it. If you surrender your child and within a month or sooner decide you made a mistake, you should be prepared for a possible long legal battle. Legal battles are often drawn out for years so that the agencies and adoptive parents can then claim the child is better off staying with the adoptive parents. Do you understand that? Adoptive parents can change their mind but you cannot – at least not without a good arsenal of attorneys, money, time and the reality that in the end your child may still stay with those that adopted him or her.
4. If your child dies, of natural or unnatural causes, you will never be told. You may spend your entire life waiting for reunion but will have no way of knowing your child died years prior. Passive adoption registries will offer no hope to you as your child must be alive to register. Yes, I know that is a horrible thought, that your child may die but it does happen. No only do they die of natural causes like disease but are often killed in accidents or even murdered by their adoptive parents. 
5. On the subject of diseases, keep in mind that due to closed records, if health problems occur for you or your child, there will be no way for you to notify each other. If your child needs an organ, and you are able to provide it, chances are they would never contact you.  Medical history is terribly important and it changes daily. The history you provide to the agency today may be very different in ten years. Can you trust your agency to provide those updates to your child’s family? Will the family even want to receive them?
6. Adoptive parents, just like biological parents, also abuse and molest children. If you are surrendering your child due to abuse in your family or your life, you should know that surrendering them to adoption does not prevent that from happening to them. Adoptive parents abuse and molest just like natural families do.
7. Your child may not behave (due to being genetically different) as adoptive parents want them too. They may have different temperaments, tolerances, talents, thresholds for pain.  Your child, when misbehaving, may be told by the adoptive parents that they will be given back.  We are not exactly sure where adoptive parents who threaten this believe they are going to give them back to but as you saw above, this is allowable.  This is important for you to note as many adopted children suffer with serious abandonment issues due to being placed for adoption.  Being later threatened by their adoptive parents to be abandoned again reopens a primal wound that began bleeding usually three days after they were born.
8. Your child may never understand how you could given them away. No matter what financial, legal, emotional challenges you are under today, it may never negate your child’s feeling that their mother abandoned them and threw them away like yesterdays newspaper.  They may demonize you, even hate you. If they were indeed abused by their adoptive parents, they may find that to be your fault as you put them there (or so they think). Many adopted adults have no conscious desire to know their mothers. Most children that feel this way believe their was something wrong with them versus something being wrong with the world they were born into. I note this because if you choose to search for your child, your child may not want to be found. Alternatively, they may be so blinded by the pain and trauma of losing you, they are not strong enough to let you into their life.
9. On the topic of emotional strength, it is very important for you to know that many adoptees suffer from serious emotional disturbances as a result of being separated from their mother.  These disturbances are often labeled bipolar, borderline personality disorder, manic depression and other.  Sometimes those labels can be true but in many cases they are not. Many times a child is suffering from the unrecognized or incorrectly treated trauma of losing their mother.  Many adoptees are put on strong, mind altering drugs that permanently damage their organs. 
10. The family that is adopting your child may be extremely wealthy. Their family values may be vastly different from yours. You may want your child to grow up with a mother who bakes cookies and tends flower gardens around the white picket fence. However, it is possible he will be adopted by incredibly wealthy individuals who believe in sending children off to boarding school and retrieving them once a year around the holidays for the yearly photo op.  They may also feel they are being treated like an nice accessory, similar to a Luis Vuitton bag.
11. Conversely, it is also possible; the family that adopts your child will be poor. Maybe even less well off than you.  There are families who live in two room apartments in major cities that adopt.  My point is, be very careful what you fantasize about.  That may not be what your child ends up with.  The only way to truly know who is parenting your child and under what conditions is for you to do it yourself.
12. If you are surrendering your child with the expectation that it will be confidential and no one will ever know, you should know that there is no such legislation that guarantees you confidentiality. Additionally, open records movements are making great strides in insuring all adopted children and adults have access to their information. I encourage you to review the open records movement data and understand why it is so vitally important to adopted adults to have access to their information.
13. Of course, open records assumes your child knows they are adopted.  Many children are not told. Still others are told very late in life and it is very disturbing to them. Again, keep in mind the power over your child’s mind rests with the adoptive parents. If they want the child to know they are adopted, they will tell them. If they don’t want to, they won’t. You have no control over that.

Janie, are you okay? You look a little confused.  Should we take a break? Do you need some water?  We still have material to cover... specifically what might happen to you after you experience the loss of your child to adoption. Yes? Okay. Why don’t we break for now...”

Well Read

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face.  It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy.  ~Edward P. Morgan

My master bedroom is currently littered with piles of dirty laundry. My hair dryer plugged into the bedroom wall via a long extension cord rests on a pile of towels.  The bed is unmade. The cherry wood Ethan Allen armoire drawers are open. Clean laundry spills out over the curved edges. Brighton tin heart-shaped boxes are sprinkled across the shelves, jewelry overflowing. An errant role of toilet paper is resting on the floor of the master bath. The master of that bath was too lazy to place the paper on the roll.

Downstairs, in the ground level foyer, more laundry piles.  Some are clean. Some are dirty.  My home office, adjacent to the ground level foyer, is a dangerous wasteland of boxes, books, and papers needing to be filed.  An unconstructed box, delivered just days ago from uhaul.com, rests gently against the green walls. My sons drawings, done with a sharpie black marker that he later used to give himself a mustache, adorn the boxes.

The black wire garbage can, toppled over thanks to my cat, is vomitting out empty Vitamin Water bottles and discarded Starbucks coffee cups.

I was supposed to clean today.

I didn't.

Instead I read a book. I read the entire book titled The Memory Keepers Daughter by Kim Edwards.

I warn any mother who has lost a child to adoption to be very leary of this book. Oh, no offense to the author, the warning is not intended to be a negative reflection of the book.  In fact, its quite the opposite.  It is a good story. Well written. Good characters. Interesting plot. I did enjoy the story.  I bought the book last night and finished it tonight. Thank you Lifetime TV for all your sappy advertisements on the made for television movie.  Again, good story.

However, the level of loss and grief felt by Norah Henry, the mother, is painfully similar to the feelings felt by mothers, like myself, who have lost our children to adoption. 

I have more to say but I honestly cannot form words.  The book touched me in places I should stop touching.  I really need to work on that masochistic tendancy of mine.

Off to begin my next book - The Road by Cormac MacCarthy.

But Moms, consider yourself warned on that Kim Edwards book. My eyes still hurt from crying.

The Same but Different

"The present and the past coexist, but the past shouldn't be in flashback. - Alain Resnais

Been a tough week.

The good news is that I believe I found an apartment. It has all I wanted: a family nieghborhood, character in the unit, first floor, great location, hardwood floors throughout, updated kitchen, nice paint colors, working fireplace, porches front and back, off street parking, close to a playground, five minutes from my office and my childrens school...and an owner that is a divorced female with a ten year old son. I liked her.

Finding that unit was certainly something I needed. The stress of my housing situation was causing incredible flashbacks to years ago.

My situation of not having a place to live, of having children to care for, of having everyone wanting something from me, of having people look at at me like I had done something wrong, triggered a panic attack of epic proportions.

One part of my mind realized I was being ridiculous that my situation is NOT the same as it was when I lost my daughter but something in the situation felt EXACTLY the same and sent me into a hyperventilating ball of carbon waste earlier in the week. When the buyers of my house demanded more concessions and threatened to walk, I lost it. Completely irrationally lost it. My mother and sister (my real estate agent) were left in my wake wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

I was over reacting, under reacting, freakishly reacting. They did not understand that I was in the midst of a typical PTSD related flashback.  There were parallells. Somehow, something, sent me spiralling into the black abyss.   It is happening again. I have children to care for and no where to live. I was unable to grasp that this time I have friends and family and a good job. It did not seem to matter. The overwhelming feeling of terror and doom was crippling.  Someone might call me unfit. Someone might take my children.

I saw my therapist yesterday and while I felt fine upon entering his office I was not exactly fine when I left. I could not stop crying. My chest was tight. I could not breath. I was dizzy.

We decided to try EMDR. According to Wikipedia:

"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an information processing psychotherapy that was developed to resolve symptoms resulting from disturbing and unresolved life experiences. EMDR is rated in the highest category of effectiveness and research support in international guidelines for PTSD treatment. It uses a structured approach to address past, present, and future aspects of disturbing memories. The approach was developed by Francine Shapiro[1] to resolve symptoms resulting from exposure to a traumatic or distressing event, such as rape. Clinical trials have demonstrated EMDR's efficacy in the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In some studies it has been shown to be equivalent to cognitive behavioral and exposure therapies, and more effective than some alternative treatments (see effectiveness sections below). Although some clinicians may use EMDR for various problems, its research support is primarily for disorders stemming from distressing life experiences"

There are certain individuals who believe EMDR is "bunk" and still others who believe it works and finally people like me who will try anything to get these anxiety and panic crying jags and flashbacks to stop. Placebo? Bring it on.

I left the session completely raw and drained. I was supposed to meet my sister to drop off some house closing paperwork. Her office was exactly 3 miles from my therapist. It took me over an hour to get there as I got lost. Dont ask me how. I knew where I was, I knew where I was going and how to get there, I just couldn't find my way.  At one point I was literally driving in circles. At another I pulled over and laughed like a crazy woman.

I retired early last night and this morning I drove my ex-husband and my sons to the airport for their spring vacation in Orlando.  After they left, I collapsed in the car in a puddle of tears.

I am still weepy. I should be packing, cleaning, organizing the house.  Instead I am distracted, lacking focus and on the verge of tears.

But hey, I have a place to live now. 

With Intent

"The degree to which you accept your limitations determines the degree to which you find you're unlimited." - Unknown

Someone asked me how it is that I am able to achieve balance in the parenting of my children. When so many mothers who lose their children to adoption become either overprotective or distant, how do I find the middle ground?

The short answer?

With a lot of work and living with intent.

I am painfully aware of how much the loss of my child has damaged me as a woman, as a mother, as a human being. As such, my subsequent children are damaged as well.  Maybe damaged is the wrong word, but for me, it is obvious that they have gotten less of a mother. They deserved better.  I am NEVER fully theirs, never with them, never completely dedicated to them because part of my energy is focused on my daughter, their absent sister. Again, they deserved better. If my daughter had no say in her adoption, my sons are similar. They had no say in being born to a mother who was damaged by loss. All my children have lost.  We have the wonders of adoption to thank.

You can take the child from the mother but you cannot take the mother from the mother.  I am a mother in my heart and soul 24 x 7 to my present and absent children. My mind is regularly split between upstate CT and NY, or NJ, or whatever part of the world my daughter may be in.

However, as noted, I am aware of this. What is that? The first step is awareness?  I am aware that I am more likely to be a distant mother to my sons than an overprotective one.

Important to note that I felt I had no right to additional children after what I did to my first. I spent nearly 13 years with a hardcore belief that I would never have more children.  I intentionally sought men who did not want children. I even married one (who later changed his mind on me and said he wanted kids after all). 

I couldn’t fathom giving myself to another child. I was convinced the world was right and I was not a good mother, did not deserve children, should never have another since I abandoned my first born to strangers.   I built a shrine to my daughter in my mind.  I worshipped at it daily. I gulped up that Catholic guilt and adoption kool-aid like it was nectar of the gods.

Coupled with those beliefs was living the day to day trauma.  The mere thought of having another child would send me into the fetal position, hiding behind a radiator, quivering. It doesn’t surprise me at all that mothers who have been torched by adoption suffer secondary infertility. It is THAT damaging to us.  It is as if our ovaries fight back and demand they will never be used again to give a child to another woman.

However, unlike many of my sister/mothers, I did have subsequent children. After at least a year of soul searching (pretty much on my own, I did not share the thoughts with my husband), I agreed to bear his children. At that  time in my life I felt he was the best thing that had happened to me, why wouldn’t I want more of him? 

I don’t regret for one second having my sons. They are angels on earth, just like their sister. They have made me a better person, just like their sister has. They soften me. They educate me. They keep me young and laughing and happy and hopeful.

But staying engaged requires constant work on my part.  As noted from my various blog posts, every encounter with my sons pours sea salt into the wounds of loss. I cannot avoid it. I do something with them and while doing it I contemplate how I could not do it with her.  She is ever present. She may never want to physically be part of this family but spiritually, energetically, virtually, she is and always has been. 

A few years ago, I read a book titled Birthmothers: Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption Tell Their Stories by Mary Bloch Jones. Many of my sister/mothers don’t like this book (presumably due to the use of the birthmother word). For me, at that time in my life, I found it HUGELY validating. It had so many case stories that just screamed my name. Women who talked about how adoption loss affected their friendships, their social life, their marriages, their parenting. The stories in that book made me feel less of a freak and more of a human who had suffered a horrible injustice. I saw myself in nearly every page and I was comforted. Somehow I felt normalized. I wasnt alone. There were legions of women the world over who had suffered what I had.

Without question the nugget of gold in that book for me, was indeed the split that occurs in mothers – how we become obsessively overprotective or distant.  Becoming aware of that, knowing it existed in myself, knowing what caused it, has allowed me to embrace it and therefore, it has less power.

How do I achieve the balance?

By being constantly aware of the need for it and the possibility of the pendulum swinging one way or the other at any given moment and not wanting my sons to suffer or lose out any more than they already have.

That is how.

Colorful Conversations

"I look forward confidently to the day when all who work for a living will be one with no thought to their separateness as Negroes, Jews, Italians or any other distinctions. This will be the day when we bring into full realization the American dream -- a dream yet unfulfilled. A dream of equality of opportunity, of privilege and property widely distributed; a dream of a land where men will not take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few; a dream of a land where men will not argue that the color of a man's skin determines the content of his character; a dream of a nation where all our gifts and resources are held not for ourselves alone, but as instruments of service for the rest of humanity; the dream of a country where every man will respect the dignity and worth of the human personality."  - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I wonder if my daughter is racist.

I have no reason to suspect she is. I am just wondering in general. From what I know she grew up in a predominately white middle to upper class town.  Her college website states that 21-26% of the student body are “persons of color”.

I am just like, you know, wondering. Her pictures on facebook and flickr reflect predominately white friends . I also have reason to believe that her parents may be slightly racist. What are her views?  We confirmed years ago with are both liberal, agnostic, democrats.  I don't recall ever discussing racism.

I am thinking of this because last night my oldest son and I had this conversation.

“I almost got into a fight today, Ma. I really wanted to beat a kid up” says Nikolas.

“Oh?” I try to respond with very little shock even though I am a bit shocked. My son has never had a school fight. I don’t think he has even hit his brother. He is a very even keeled child, very much a pacifist. I am surprised by the “beat a kid up” comment.

“Yeah, someone was really mean to my friend Keevon.” He continues.

“What happened?” I inquire.

“Well, Keevon and I were at lunch, and this new kid, I don’t remember his name, was looking for a place to sit.  One of the teachers told the kid to sit down next to Keevon who was sitting next to me.” he answers.

“Uh, huh..and?” I ask.

“Well, the kid did not look happy but he sat down next to Keevon and then said, really mean, to Keevon, I don’t want to sit next to you because you are black. You are black and nasty. ” my son reports.

I gasp.  What the hell? Who is this kid? I think I want to beat him up too!

“What did Keevon say or do?” I ask.

“He did nothing Mom. He just turned the other way, looked down and started talking to me. But I know his feelings were hurt.”  notes my darling son.

“Wow. That’s rough. Did you tell a teacher or something? What would they tell you in I/I? How should you handle that?”  I ask.

I/I is his inter/intra-personal skills class which is taught as part of the standard curriculum in a Gardner school. The I/I class teaches children to be “self smart and people smart”. They often discuss ethics, problem solving, social values and attitudes.

“Well, I am not going to be friends with that kid. I don’t know who he is and I don’t want to know. I heard he came from a boarding school. I bet they threw him out.  I am also going to tell Mrs. D about it. Maybe we can discuss it in I/I class.   But I don’t want to embarrass Keevon.  We are reading this book right now about two girls, a white girl and a black girl who live next door to each other but their moms won’t let them be friends so they talk to each other through a fence. That kid being mean to Keevon kinda reminded me of the moms in that book” he says as he looks away.

“I think that sounds like a good plan.  You are a good friend to Keevon” I say.

He smiles at me.

“Oh, and I love you. You are a great kid. I am proud to be your Mom” I say.

Clipped Wings of Adoption

"The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings” - Unknown

Sarah is a relatively new parent. She is single and her child is a little over a year old. Sarah and her child are doing very well together. They live in a quaint little home in an adorable southern town. She has frequent contact with her family and many friends. Having chosen an extended maternity leave for herself, she busies herself during the day with mothers groups, walks in the park and visits to the library for story hour and completing crafts at home.

If you were to meet Sarah, you would have no idea that she suffers from an incredible amount of anxiety. Sarah is terrified that something will happen to her child. She is extremely overprotective. She worries about everything and everyone and is expecting to find danger around every corner. Sarah has not left her child with anyone for the past year. Just thinking about leaving her child in the hands of a babysitter, even a trusted one, sends Sarah into a full blown hospital visit worthy panic attack.

Many of the mothers at the playgroups have criticized Sarah and told her she is too overprotective. She is smothering her child. They tell her that her parenting style is not healthy for her and certainly not healthy for her child.  Relax they tell her. Chill out. 

Sarah does not take this advice in the spirit with which it is intended. She doesn’t see the other moms as trying to help her. She finds them threatening. They are a danger. They are suggesting she is not a good mother. They are questioning her. They are talking about her behind her back. They are going to report her overprotective mothering style to the authorities.

Sarah stops going to playgroup. She is afraid of those other mothers. They represent a danger, a terrible threat to her and her child.  They want to take her baby from her.

What is wrong with Sarah?

Sarah is a first parent.

Almost fifteen years ago, Sarah surrendered her first child to adoption. Her parenting of her second child is strongly affected by the loss of her first child to adoption. Sarah is terrified, often to the point of paralysis, that someone will take her second child.  Even though Sarah has her PhD, has been a highly paid and successful professional, it makes no difference to her.

The grief, the trauma, the pain of losing her first child to adoption is with her daily and is significantly affecting the parenting of her second child.

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Corrine’s eighteen year old daughter just moved out of the house.  Her daughter, like most girls her age, is attending college. Daughter moved out to her own apartment not far from the university campus. She is working two jobs, getting decent grades and she has a boyfriend.

And Corrine won’t leave her alone.

Corrine stalks her daughter. She calls her constantly on her cell – often as much as ten times a day. If her daughter does not answer, she begins texting her. If she doesn’t answer the text messages, Corrine will contact daughter’s friends via their myspace, their cell numbers or even go out looking for them.

There have been many arguments between Corrine, her husband, her daughter and her other children. Corrine’s husband resents her behavior towards their oldest daughter as he is confident that the reason daughter left home was to escape from Corrine.  Even now that she is gone, Corrine will not leave her alone.

Husband feels there is something wrong with Corrine. She needs help, medication, or something. She just “aint right”.  Husband has stopped coming home from work on time to avoid having to deal with Corrine and her obsessive behavior.

What is wrong?

Corrine is a first mother who lost her first child to adoption twenty five years ago.  While she was able to raise her second child with little emotional interference from the loss of her  first child, her daughter leaving home triggered flashbacks in Corrine.  Releasing a now adult child to the world is far too similar to leaving your child in the hands of strangers.  Corrine cannot function. Unresolved grief and trauma has surfaced due to the very normal departure of her second daughter from her home.

Corrine is struggling separating the loss of her first child to adoption from the perceived loss of her second child to life, growth and maturity.  In some odd way, by smothering her second child, Corrine is finding a way to love the child she lost to adoption.

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It is said that parents first give their children roots and then wings.

What if your ability to give your child roots was taken from you? What if you gave your infant child wings at far too young an age?

How can you possibly consider allowing a subsequent child to fly?