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  • Mother to three beautiful children. Oldest child surrendered to adoption. Reunited in 2005.Writer, designer, jewelry maker, reader, searcher, friend, sister, deep thinker, INFJ, chronic hair colorer, considered EMO, pierced, tattooed, a gemini, and a recovering catholic. Love travel, languages, books, fonts, pens, cool paper, color, solitude, and oh yeah, coffee.


    For more information on me, consult my About Me page.
    “...lukewarm acceptance is far more bewildering than outright rejection” - Martin Luther King

    "I am the horizon
    you ride towards, the thing you can never lasso
    I am also what surrounds you:
    my brain
    scattered with your
    tincans, bones, empty shells,
    the litter of your invasions.
    I am the space you desecrate
    as you pass through.
    - Margaret Atwood

    It costs so much to be a full human being that there are few who have the love and courage to pay the price. One has to abandon altogether the search for security and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to embrace life like a lover. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.- From the play, Courting Darkness, by M. Longley
    “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” –Kahlil Gibran

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Quoted

  • "Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenue each year..." - Commission on Human Rights, resolution 2002/92; E/CN/2002/79; page 25
  • "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." - Voltaire
  • "Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included." - Karl Marx
  • "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."- Friedrich Nietzsche

  • "Adoption is a violent act, a political act of aggression towards a woman who has supposedly offended the sexual mores by committing the unforgivable act of not suppressing her sexuality, and therefore not keeping it for trading purposes through traditional marriage. The crime is a grave one, for she threatens the very fabric of our society. The penalty is severe. She is stripped of her child by a variety of subtle and not so subtle manoeuvres and then brutally abandoned." - Joss Shawyer, Death by Adoption, Cicada Press (1979)

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  • Banner artwork and profile picture: Gustav Klimt,The Tree of Life, Stoclet Frieze, c.1909 and Mother and Child (detail from The Three Ages of Woman), c.1905

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March 12, 2008

Atlanta 1986

“We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry” - John Webster

In 1986, in an apartment building in Atlanta, Georgia, several expectant moms lived, courtesy of an agency, in a psuedo-maternity home. It was actually more of a staging area for pregnant moms. Biding their time, counting the days until they delivered and handed their child over to a baby broker all in the name of doing the best thing for the child and being a "good" mother.   The agency position was that good mothers abandon their children. Bad mothers keep them.  The apartment was filled to capacity with good mothers.

Every so often strangers would come to the apartment and say hello to the expectant mothers. They would walk through the apartment and quickly scan the women.  They did not stay long and never explained why they were there. Since the apartment was attached to the agency offices the expectant moms assumed they were employees of the agency. The moms were always friendly and welcomed the company. It was lonely being there, away from their family and the fathers of their children. The days became dark and depressing. They looked forward to meeting new people and having contact with the agency workers.

Misty was a mom that stayed at the home. After she delivered and surrendered her child, she inquired about the strangers.  She never saw the same person twice and had become suspicious. Misty was informed that the odd interlopers were prospective adoptive parents. The agency was giving "birth mom" showings much like real estate agents would conduct showings for a house for sale. In the case of the birth mom showings, there were children for sale.  The prospective adopters were being granted a rare opportunity to view the moms in their natural state, without the moms knowledge, much like some might view caged animals in a zoo.

I wonder if the agency charged extra for that service?

February 12, 2008

Angels and Demons

"Hell is empty and the devils are here" - William Shakespeare

It is rumored (more than rumored actually - fairly certain in fact) that the agency that sold my daughter is once again on the brink of being dissolved.  I was contacted by a prospective adoptive family who had paid their placement fee to the cretins last fall and later received a letter stating the agency was being forced to cease placements. (Naturally, there was no refund to the prospective adopters. Knowing that the agency had been marketing children last year for a small fee of $50k, I wonder how much the prospective adopters actually lost?)

Statements like "DCFS intended to raid the agency and confiscate all records"..."investigations underway due to tax issues..." and "all placements have ceased" cause me to experience a little jolt of excitement. (Okay, maybe it was a ginormous jolt.)

While I am on one hand very excited at the prospect of these barbarians being shut down, I am also well versed enough in their tactics to know they will likely set up shop in another State or under the umbrella of another agency name. While one agency may fall, the monsters behind it still retain a license under another agency in IL and other states.

In fact, when I attended the Ethics Conference last fall, I was approached (rather covertly I might add) by an adoption agency worker from an Indiana agency. She informed me that the midwestern agencies had been talking about Kurtz setting up shop again in Georgia. It was startling to me (for some silly reason) that afer telling my story at the conference -- without mentioning the agency name - that other industry professionals knew exactly who I was talking about.  These professionals approached me quietly, in darkened corners and whispered the agency name. It was all rather odd. It was also rather disturbing. It seems fairly obvious to many that this network is unethical yet all we can muster to stop them is whispered conversations in darkened corners?

I have, to date, been unable to confirm that the agency has indeed reestablished itself in Georgia but the search continues.

Tracking and reporting on these folks is rather like playing a game of whac- a- mole. Knock one down and another mole pops up in another location. 

I am not discouraged. I will keep on whacking until their machine is brought to its knees. At the very very least, I will keep on talking and sharing so that prospective adopters, expectant mothers, adopted adults and regulatory officials can be aware of their antics.

I have encouraged my group (individuals who were either sold by this agency or had their children sold to the highest bidder) to write to IL DCFS to state their positions, express concerns and offer to support the state in their quest to slay this beast.

While the possible shut down of the agency may chop off only one leg of the jackal, it is still a leg and loss of that limb will indeed cause the beast to walk a little slower.

December 11, 2007

Muy Triste

“The recipe for perpetual ignorance is a very simple and effective one: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge” - Elbert Hubbard

In the State of Georgia and probably many other states it is a misdemeanor for a biological parent to willfully and voluntarily abandon their child. It is a felony if they abandon that child and leave the state.

Yet, in places like Hong Kong, or others, adoptive parents can “disrupt” their adoption and return a child they no longer wish to parent.

WTF? 

Yes, this story has continued to bug me. I have heard of these stories before. I even know of two adoptees who were purchased from the Kurtz agencies that were returned to their adopted States. I have heard it before yet I don’t know why this one is particularly grating to me but it is. 

In my opinion the instant the adoptive parents turned their adoptive daughter over to someone (who?) and said “We don’t want her anymore” they should have been arrested and charged with child abandonment. The fact that they weren’t, the fact that they were allowed to do this sends a very bad message.

By no means do I want to dismiss the horror that poor young girl is living, but I cannot help but think about how many more children – in the future – this will happen to.

Why do we find this acceptable? When we do we stop the insanity? We all gasp and wince and post on our blogs and carry on but when does someone, anyone, DO something about this?

Guh. I feel so helpless.

I suspect what bothers me even more – on a personal level – is that this could have been my daughter. I never even knew this could be possible. It never occurred to my naïve 17 yo pregnant, locked away, self, that adoptive parents would ever ponder this let alone be permitted by law to actually do it.

Oh, how easy it is for the American adoptive parents to dismiss this horror with their statements like “Well, that doesn’t happen HERE.” Or “Well, I would never have done that” therefore the horror doesn’t exist. 

Get out of your bubble. Your ignorance and denial does not erase the fact that it does exist. It exists for that seven year old girl and will continue to be a risk for all future adopted children.

Please, dear somebody’s God, at least make agencies inform expectant mothers that their children can be given away AGAIN without their knowledge and not back to them.

Tell mothers like me that adoption is not a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Tell us it is only as long as the prospective adopters want it to be.

Tell us that our children can be thrown away at any time, for any reason, should the adoptive parents decide they no longer want our child. Tell us that if our child isn’t thin enough, smart enough, assimilated quick enough or well behaved that our child may be discarded like yesterdays trash. Tell us that bio chilldren frequently come after adoption and those bio children are sometimes deemed more valuable than the adopted children.

Maybe if agencies started telling expectant mothers the truth – the positives and serious negatives of adoption, more mothers would realize the best thing they can give their child is themselves. The only way to truly know if your child is better off – or not – is to keep your child with you.

My heart aches for that little girl and for her first mother – wherever they may be.

I feel sad yet I find myself equally perplexed. Perplexed state to be discussed in a seperate post.

December 05, 2007

Oh, no, she didn't!

"Nothing is more terrible than ignorance in action." - Johann Goethe

Oh yes, yes,  she did.

A comment emailed to me from an angry prospective adoptive mother:

"How dare you suggest we stop adoptions! How am I supposed to get a child if adoptions cease? I am infertile and cannot have a child. Your suggestion angered me."

Years ago, I would have gotten defensive. Nowadays, I have to laugh and feel sorry for these sorts. 

I do have a few choice words here for that PAM:

The clue phone is ringing quite loudly. Pick it up. Now.

ADOPTION IS NOT ABOUT FINDING BABIES FOR INFERTILE COUPLES.

Adoption should be about finding homes for children  -- only as a last resort.

No one owes you a child.   Shit, my right eye, as lovely green as it may be, is kinda lazy. When I get tired it doesn't work so well. It wanders. I want a new eye. Can I just take someone else's? I WANT A RIGHT EYE THAT WORKS PERFECTLY.

Many will tell you it was Gods plan that you could not conceive. Maybe you were supposed to have children with another dude. Still others, expectant mothers in a crisis pregnancy, will tell you that God intended for their child to be surrendered and oh lovely they intended their child to go to you.

I cannot buy into that. See, to believe that you need to believe in a punishing God. Shoot, you need to believe in God. I don't believe in either.

Children are conceived and should be raised by their natural family. That was your Gods plan. If for some reason they cannot, their extended family should be considered. The father and his family should be considered. All options should be pursued before you erase a child's  natural family, change their name, lock up their medical records and fracture their identity forever.

It is not about YOU, Mrs Infertile Prospective Adoptive Mother.

It is about a child. A child who HAS a mother.

Have you considered adopting out of foster care?  AdoptUsKids has a great site and campaign underway.

What?

You don't want some one else's problem? You want an infant? Your own child? (I thought we covered this already? I am confused.)

Adoption is not about YOU. Please. For the sake of any child you might acquire, keep it in mind.  You should not be adopting if you seriously, truly are brought to adoption putting your own needs first.

No child wants to be loved for merely what they represent to you. And it sounds in your case, as if they will forever represent the child you could not have but insisted you were owed.

P.S. Green eyes can be shipped to my P.O. Box.

P.P.S. If you read this blog with any amount of regularity, you should know that I support family preservation first. If you need more words than that, please consult my about page and read My Position.

December 04, 2007

Support Ethica Please

Received from my friend Linh at Ethica. Please read, support and share:

Ethica has submitted comments on the U.S. Citizen and Immigration Services (USCIS) new administrative procedures for the ratification of
the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption.  The USCIS  comment period ends this Monday.  We encourage adoption community members to  contribute their thoughts on these procedures which can greatly influence the way adoptions are
conducted.

Ethica's comments can be downloaded here:
http://www.ethicanet.org/DHS_RegComments.pdf

Your own comments can be submitted through the regulations website:
http://www.regulations.gov/fdmspublic/component/main

Step 1 – select "Documents with an Open Comment Period"

Step 2 – select "U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services" from the
drop down list

Step 3 – select "All Document Types" from the drop down list

Step 4 – select "Docket ID" from the drop down list, enter USCIS-2007-0008

Step 5 - select the yellow bubble under "comment" in order to
contribute your views

Please notify us at info@ethicanet.org once you have submitted your comments.

Thank you for your support and for keeping adoption as a just and
ethical option for children and families.

--
Linh Song, MSW
Executive Director
Ethica, Inc.

November 30, 2007

The National Council for Adoption:
MOTHERS, MONEY, MARKETING, & MADNESS

Copyright for this post goes to Claud at Musings of the Lame. Reprinted with her permission.

The National Council for Adoption: MOTHERS, MONEY, MARKETING, & MADNESS

The National Council for Adoption usually has something to say about any adoption issue. One would think they should just based on their name. After all “National Council” makes it sound as if an official governmental appointment was made. That they are the official US stance, made after long thought out meetings by a Council, on all things related to adoption. Alas, that is just a well thought out play on the name made to make one think that is what they are.

By their own Mission Statement, they are something else:

Founded in 1980, the National Council for Adoption (NCFA) is a research, education, and advocacy organization whose mission is to promote the well-being of children, birthparents, and adoptive families by advocating for the positive option of adoption. NCFA is an adoption advocate and expert in the halls of power and the courts of public opinion, on behalf of all parties to adoption and its member adoption agencies around the country.”


It’s very clear, as noted in the bolded emphasis, that their self appointed job is to promote adoption and that promotion is benefitting the adoption agencies. They are a lobby group, pure and simple, bought and paid for to use their power and resources to sway the public in such a way that adoption is seen as positive.
How they do such things is no mystery.

Their 2005 IRS form #990 states clearly that they have the resources. Their total gross receipts for that year were $2,920,818.00. That’s almost 3 million dollars. Just for reference, if we compare similar adoption groups there is quite a difference in funding. The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute is the next biggest competitor as an Adoption information and research group coming in at $671,296. The American Adoption Congress filed their 990 for $39,338.00 as income. Bastard Nation declared $2,872.00 and Concerned United Birthparents has 10 chapters listed with none of them having an income greater enough to be eligible for filing status. With the exception of the EBD, none of the other adoption groups have compensated employees relying instead on all volunteer activities. Simple math computes that the NCFA operates at a greater budget than all their opposition combined.

It makes sense to wonder were their money comes from.

Just over 1 million of the NCFA funding comes from “public support”. This does not including another 50 plus thousand that comes from membership dues. Once again, the National Council for Adoption members consists of non-profit adoption agencies. The Gladney Centers for Adoption and Bethany Christian Services are all members. While both are, indeed, non–profit, one only has to look at their IRS 990’s to see where the money is rolling in. The Gladney Centers in Texas have one main “hospital” group and two other big “funds”. Combined there is over 39 million dollars declared as assets and another $12,154,675.00 claimed as income after expenses. That’s over 50 million dollars.

Bethany Christian Services breaks out to three main states; North Carolina, Iowa, and Michigan with a combined income of $ 3,098,830.00 and assets of $ 1,236,37. While Bethany is not quite as hard to stomach as Gladney in terms of excessive figures, seeing these huge “non-profit” numbers makes it easier to comprehend how American adoption services is over a 3 billion dollar a year industry. It behooves the agencies to fund a lobby group that promotes their needs, causes public opinion to be swayed in their favor and facilitates an environment beneficial for their bottom line by promoting adoption.

The NCFA is also privately funded by various moral majority groups such as the Family Research Council who “champions marriage and family as the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society…. values human life and upholds the institutions of marriage and the family”. Pro-life organizations and the LDS church also support the NCFA viewpoints as they all mesh together in some absurd God fearing way.

However, the greatest portion of the NCFA’s funding is received from “government contributions/grants”. In 2005 that figure topped out at $ 1,615,588.00, but historically, 2005 was not one of their very best years:

2004: $ 5,331.093   2003: $ 8,323,973 2002: $ 4,497,484  2001: $ 1,091,555

And that total is over 20 million dollars from government grants. Tax levees collected from US citizens from the federal government and awarded to an adoption agency lobby group so that they can tell us what to think and fell about adoption. Over half their operating budget received from our tax money, but they still promote what favors the other half of their funding, the agencies.

So what do they actually do with all that money??

They have to pay their hard working staff. President and head honcho, Thomas Atwood, is a very busy man. He must keep up with EBD’s Adam Pertman, battling him head for head on NPR and in print. Dumpster diving to save babies pays well for Atwood makes a pretty penny defending the poor, scared, surrendering mothers from their annoying adoptee spawn. He worked 60 hours a week for the $150,104.00 he brought home in 2005. His benefit package seems pretty substantial at $26,046. He receives health, dental and life insurance, plus a pension plan. Interestingly enough, his pay is broken down into compensation, management, and fundraising. I do wonder if he doesn’t get a percentage of what he brings in out of fundraising. None of the other board members get paid though there are other paid employees at the NCFA. Not counting Mr. Atwood, the NCFA claims $754,122.00 in other salaries and wages.

We do have the income of some key players to account for: Daniel Resse, the Development Director gets $115K plus another15K in benefits. Lee Allen who serves as the Communication Director makes $91K plus another 16 in benefits and perks. And at last, the hard working Training Director, Charles Johnson, rakes in 88K plus 13 putting together all the national training opportunities to convince folks that adoption is swell. They do not get reimbursed for travel and other expenses but the agency pays out directly those $237,485.00in expenses.

Their other expenses are not so huge really consider that they have employees, buildings, an apartment, etc. Boring expected things like supplies, the phone, over 60K in postage, conferences, etc. are included as operating expenses. Oddly enough, nothing at all under legal fees and only $332.00spent in advertising. Likewise, only $1,088 in income tax, but I guess the whole “non-profit” status fits in there.

Being a lobby group it makes sense to see what the NCFA invests in their legislative efforts.  In their own words they “provides strategic policy briefs, expert testimony at legislative hearings, personalized briefings on adoption issues, conferences, grassroots leadership, and monitoring and reporting on adoption-related legislative activities. Policy makers in all levels and branches of government, look to NCFA for leadership and analysis of adoption policy issues.” 

Here we can see the numbers over several years:
2005:$297,611  2004: $405,814  2003: $613,703  2002: $400,234.

Adding up the four year total results in $1,717,362.00 spent on convincing our elected officials, with our tax monies that: Americans need to recognize Adoption as a loving option, more people need to be able to afford to adopt, privacy is desired and mothers need to be protected from bad fathers who might force them to parent unwanted children

They spent their lobby money wisely as the NCFA did convince the government to sponsor the Infant Adoption Awareness Initiative. All together the first federal grant was 8.6 million given to four agencies with the lion’s share of 6.1 million going to the NCFA over a four year period.

Growing out of legislation by the U.S. Congress in 2000, the primary purpose of the program was to train pregnancy and health counselors in federally funded clinics to present adoption as an option to women with unplanned pregnancies. It has since expanded to target and include anyone who might ever come in contact with anyone experiencing an unplanned pregnancy in order to present adoption as a positive option. Parenting is not on their agenda.

In more than 1,700 training days since 2002, NCFA’s IAATP has trained more than 17,000 individuals from all 50 states. They offer two and one day trainings with lodging and a meal stipend provided to all participants. The trainings continue in 2007 as the NCFA is pleased to be designated as the Infant Adoption Training Initiative Grantee for Health Region 3. In 2005, the Infant Adoption Awareness Training claims expenses of $1,657,620.00. The IAATP education is separate from other services and their expenses and looks to operate as a fiscally positive venture for the NCFA as well as its members.

Aside from the IAATP, the NCFA brings in an additional $162,175 from their “educational publications” that people and professionals must buy. They operate at a loss there as they claim $240,022 for printing these gems. Separate from that is the very similar sounding “member services” for the public at $147,687.00 in expenses and the education for agencies, charities, and more public at $204,039.00. Bottom line is that the NCFA spends lots of money telling Americans how adoption is a positive option.

Where did they get that idea?

Since the NCFA was created in order to advocate for the positive attributes of adoption, it stands to reason that a negative feeling regarding adoption had to be the predecessor. Listed in their 2005 expense category is their ‘research’ costs of $239,932.00 and the NCFA has a long history of conducting research on what makes mothers think warm and fuzzy thoughts about adoption. They do it often in cahoots with their pals, The Family Research Council, who gets credited for publishing the “The Missing Piece”.

Back in 2000, the Missing Piece found that adoption was associated as a painful sacrifice that no mother should be asked to make. Adoption was thought to be “a lie, abandonment, harmful, deceptive, and painful” They then put their heads together to try to figure out how to make mothers view adoption differently so they would look into the “loving option” and the IAATP was born.

This time around the NCFA went more achedemic, hiring CharlesT Kenny, PhD to author their newest publication. They needed “new understandings into the dynamics of birthmothers’ decisions that will facilitate better presentation of the adoption option in pregnancy counseling and through the media.” Dr. Kenny who just happens to be, president of The Right Brain People., had just the way to conduct this important research.

“Right Brain Research is an in-depth, one-on-one methodology that includes the use of visualization, relaxation and repetition to uncover the subconscious emotional motivators that are not apparent …….The Right Brain People’s methodology uncovers emotional needs and emotional barriers that drive consumer decisions in the marketplace. The nature of consumers' emotional reactions are uncovered, rather than sampling their surface opinions. Right Brain Strategy Development works hand in hand with Right Brain Research to assist clients in translating the findings from the research into dynamic brand strategy plans. The unprecedented synergy between research and strategy development has allowed the firm’s clients to leverage their brands as never before...”


Using Mothers who had previously surrendered as guinea pigs, the Right Brain folks advertised for mothers to come forth for this research from Texas and Chicago areas. They paid 51 mothers $100 each. Mothers did not know what they were being question for or who the final “client” was. They report being blindfolded the whole time, making them relive the trauma of their experiences so that the researchers could “take an inside look at the psychological pressures that come to bear when a women decides how to address the painful question of abortion, adoption or motherhood….and understand more about how the counseling process can affect women's choices as they decide their futures."

The results of this research became the grand NCFA publication, Birthmother, GoodMother: The Heroic Story of her Redemption” The findings conclude that:

“After working through their fears and conflicts, birthmothers choose adoption because they believe that it is best for their children. They realize that adoption is not abandonment; it is a loving, responsible act. By choosing what is best for their children, birthmothers see themselves as good mothers. Instead of feeling like bad mothers for abandoning children or "giving them away," they now begin to see that placing their children with loving couples is what it means for them to be good mothers. They redeem themselves, transforming their mistakes into positive outcomes. Adoption allows them to recover their self-esteem, restore their identity, and renew their dreams and goals.”


This can be seen as a total polar opposite of the way mothers had been viewed and treated in the country. In the past, mothers were shamed into surrendering their children if born out of wedlock and given no choice at all.

"Illegitimacy is taboo in our society. A child born out of wedlock carries a stigma for life, while his unwed mother is often treated as a social outcast - an irresponsible, sexual delinquent who must be forced into seclusion as punishment for her flagrant violation of our most sacred principles."

Forced by their own families into maternity homes, ostracized by society, denied employment and a place to live, mothers signed away their children because they were “bad girls”. There was no redemption, just secrecy and false stories “moving on” and “getting over it”.

As society changed and it became impossible to openly treat women in such ways, the adoption industry had to find another way to keep fresh babies in the coffers. No longer could they be forced nor shamed into it, mothers had to be convinced that surrendering a child to adoption was a good idea. That becoming a birthmother meant being a “Good mother”. What has been embraced by the adoption industry is the concept of “owning“ the decision to surrender. Adoption, if viewed as a choice even if there is lack of other viable options, becomes completely the mothers’ responsibility. “Creating an Adoption plan” is said to be “empowering”.

" We actually influence [her] choices because by our questions, by the considerations we place before [her], by our examination together with [her] of [her] feelings and impulses and their relation, implicit or explicit, to social expectations, we attempt to affect [her] decision to act in ways that are compatible with society's standards and values... [Her] choice... may well be affected by the caseworker's holding [her] to careful considerations of [her] immediate drives and wishes in relation to social expectations and the adjustment [she] seeks, which is adjustment in [her] society. Perhaps this pervasive influence of the 'social' consideration has marked our major difference from other forms of helping or therapy."


In the end, it is portrayed that adoption professionals are only asking the “hard questions’ that need to be asked and asking for all to “support” the mother as she makes her decision. In this way, if adoption does turn out to be a negative or regretful situation, the mother has no one but herself to blame.

The IAATP is a training course instructing professionals on how to do this effectively. Adoption professionals are encouraged to “develop techniques” to clarify concerns that arise in a crisis pregnancy such as what their long term goals are, imagining life as a single mother, examining their current support structure, having them imagine how life would be with a six week old, never sleeping, colicky baby and homework, how they might feel knowing their baby had a loving caring, two parent home, etc.

Apparently learning to adequately council a mother with theses questions “Helps clients gain insight into their own beliefs and needs, and helps counselors assist their clients to act wisely in preparing for the birth of their babies”. It also seems to that having less than perfect answers would sway a mother to think that her baby would be “better” if “loving placed” within the traditional “God-ordained institutions of marriage and family” . That all falls right within the doctrine of the Family Research Council, the NCFA, various Pro –life and rightwing group agendas.

To recap: An Adoption Agency lobby group uses federal grant money to hire a research and marketing firm to probe into the minds of mothers developing a “birthmother brand development” to sell to the “consumers’ in order to promote a more positive public perception of adoption so that more mothers will “make the loving choice” to be separated from their babies fulfilling the needs to the clients, the agencies.

Who follows to these recommendations?

How does this translate into influencing agencies and the like? After all, they claim over 17,000 professionals who might come in contact with mothers facing an unplanned pregnancy have received the training instructing mothers that adoption is not painful, not a lie, not harmful, not abandonment and not deceitful. One only has to go to almost any agency website and see what they are saying.

From American Adoptions: 

Placing a baby for adoption, rather than ending a life, is an extraordinary expression of selflessness, requiring a complex decision-making ability concluding adoption to be a win-win-win choice. Women who choose adoption not only choose to give the miracle of life to a new human being, but also to give the gift of parenthood to families who want nothing more in the world.
When faced with great adversity, birth mothers show great courage and understanding. Out of nothing more than pure love for their baby, birth mothers choose adoption - giving not only their babies a life full of love, but parents a baby to cherish. Just as they cherish their new baby, adoptive parents will also cherish the birth mother for not choosing to "give up" on her baby.
Rather than "giving up" their babies, birth mothers do quite the opposite - they place their babies into the arms of an eternally grateful, loving family that will spend their days doing nothing more than cherishing the gift that birth mother gave them.

From Courageous Choice:

Pregnant and considering adoption?  Only very courageous and unselfish women choose adoption. The tough choices ahead are yours to make but we are here to help guide you throughout this process with love and friendship. We’re to assist you not only with your adoption plan, but also with your overall life situation. Our hope is that your experience will be one of learning, growth, giving, and perhaps a “fresh start.”


From Bethany Christian Services:

Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy with Courage
Birthparents who care would never consider adoption.
You may think that if you consider adoption for your child, you are a cold, uncaring, selfish person. Maybe you're afraid others will think you don't love your child. In fact, women who make adoption plans for their children are among the most courageous, for they put their child's needs first. Your pregnancy counselor can arrange for you to speak with birthparents who have already placed a child for adoption and struggled with this issue. You will see how much they love their child. Allowing your child to be born is a loving choice. Choosing to place your child with a family that can provide a stable, loving home is an act of love and sacrifice, not an act of abandonment.


From Gladney Canter for Adoption:

Adoption is the loving act of biological parents (birth parents) who choose a family to nurture and care for their child. When considering adoption, you're thinking about your child and what's best for his or her life. Adoption finds forever homes for children, homes where emotional and financial support create a stable, lifelong future for your child. Adoption is not about giving away your baby. Adoption's about making a plan for your child's life. Adoptive parents often tell their children, even as babies, of the tremendous love their birth parents have for them. Adopted children grow up with a great deal of respect and a very special love and appreciation for their birth parents.


It is very clear that a great number of agencies and professionals have taken these techniques and recommendations to heart when providing information to mothers considering adoption. With the assistance of the NCFA, the Infant Adoption Awareness Training Program and research such as “<Birthmother, GoodMother: the Heroic Story of her Redemption”, the tools are clearly in place to coax mothers into believing that adoption is not only positive, but often best. It would not be such a terrible thing if these facts were as true as they were portrayed, but they are not.

What they ignored:

Other scientific research has also been conducted since the beginning of adoption practices and the various findings contradict what the NCFA and agencies falsely advertise.
A study published in 1999 taking in all previously published scientific studies, concluded that:

“The relinquishing mother is at risk for long term physical psychological and social repercussions. Although interventions have been proposed, little is known about their effectiveness in preventing or alleviating these repercussions”


In fact, without question, every study, the historical evidence, the anecdotal evidence, and statistics all point out, to various degrees, that mothers who relinquish are significantly altered by the surrender experience and not in positive nor redeeming ways. While “counseling” is often seen as a way to mitigate negative feelings, reassuring an exiled mother over and over again that her decision was “right” and “best”, it frequently does little but create more internal conflicts as the proposed logic of the surrender’s validity is juxtaposed with her natural maternal yearnings. Of course, none of this information is ever included when the educational information released by an agency that profits financially though the surrender. The NCFA didn’t tell them too. The real scientific evidence might be seen as “negative” and goes against the mission of “promoting a positive” feeling for adoption.

It is frequently proposed that as society and our views of adoption have evolved to an accretive and positive way, then the negative feelings of more current relinquishing mothers will also be on a decline. The Origins-USA 2007 study Mothers' Voices, Surrender Experiences and Long-Term Effects, concludes that while the approach and methodology of adoption has changed, the internal feelings, the life long grief and the natural feelings of mothers has not changed over almost a 50 year period. It seems that the internal make up of mothers does not permanently and drastically change over time just because everyone tells her it is a good thing. Unfortunately, it does however seem, that the teachings of the NCFA do have a temporary effect.


OMG! What have I done?

The perverse marketing of positive family separation has infiltrated not only adoption professionals, but the media and general public alike. With “goodmother” and promises of continued contact via open adoption, the numbers of infants “voluntarily” relinquished has stood firm somewhere under 15,000 a year despite legal abortion, advances in birth control, acceptance of single parenting etc. By glorifying and “honoring” the good mothers, something might have back fired on the NCFA. Previously, mothers who surrendered were expected to slink back with their secrets into normal life, but now, they are taught to be proud and wear their birth mother status as a red badge of courage. As mothers talk to other mothers and share the experiences, they realize that they are not alone in their natural feelings of grief and loss. As younger mothers talk to older mothers they see their own future ahead where time will not heal this wound. The true information that contradicts the NCFA message is easier to come by.

For what ever the reason, mothers are finding out sooner, rather than later, that living through adoption is not all it was portrayed to be. No longer does it take 40 years until an adult adoptee reunites, or even 18 until they are of age for the message to come home. Not even a few years into a continuously painful open adoption, or the birth of the second, parented child, that allows a mother to see what she has lost is needed. For those who bother to notice, the cries of pain and despair are happening very soon after surrender. One mother who runs a support board just recently agreed:

“I have noticed a change in the air lately. You are totally right. I've had so many Moms come here as soon as they place regretting their decision. I wish we could get to more before they sign the papers.”

and then, it is too late.

Perhaps, the NCFA’s systematic and over saturated teachings are being given to women who would not have, in earlier years, been as vulnerable to the “adoption option”. Perhaps the market is so desperate for infants and the high profits that an infant relinquishment brings to an adoption business those women are subjected to this “goodmother” scrutiny when previously they would not be even seen on an agencies radar. Perhaps the professionals have polished their skills to such perfection that mothers are truly not “choosing” but getting convinced, brainwashed even, into giving away their babies.

It actually has to be expected. The bottom line is that the National Council for Adoption wants mothers to be separated from their children. Their very existence was conceived to make family separation seem like a good idea and teach others in the field the same positive view. The NCFA does this to protect their members’ interests. Their members are adoption agencies. Adoption agencies make billions of dollars in profits from family separation. They need babies to continue business.
Millions of dollars given and spent to convince the public and mothers that giving your baby away is a good thing. And for what reason?

Follow the money. Babies are the products to be sold and then be grateful. Mothers are a market to be exploited in the guise of redemption for a false sin of sex and fertility. Hopeful adoptive parents are the clients willing to shell out thousands to make their dreams come true. Agencies are the brokers, trading products to the next highest bidders and the National Council for Adoption paints the public picture of the whole thing, blows smoke, and tells everyone how good it all feels.

November 29, 2007

Don't pay the Ferry Man.
Don't even fix a price.

"You always admire what you really don't understand." - Blaise Pascal

When I was living alone in the maternity prison known as Gehring Hall, I was visited frequently by my headcase worker.  She would take me out to lunch, buy me clothes, pretend she was my friend and that she cared about me.  She regularly filled my kool-aid glass with praise for the wonderful, amazing, wealthy, perfect, highly educated uber-parents that would acquire my child. She told me how lucky I was that their agency had such wealthy qualified infertile couples.  My daughter would have ponies and pools and birthday parties and pretty pink dresses and a college education. Could I guarantee her that?

Every time she pushed them higher up on a pedestal she pushed me farther down. The more she raved about how fabulous they were the more I became aware of what a loser I was and how they deserved my child and I did not.

Over time, I became dependent on my headcase worker and completely believed everything she said to me. I liked her and wanted her to like me and as such I complied with her requests and believed everything she said.  I was truly enamored with her. I have my own diaries from that time period and they are chock full of loving goo for my headcase worker -- the person who would be in the labor room with me and in a matter of days spirit my child away to the more deserving people. Oh, how I adored her for that. How lucky I was! Giving your baby away means you are a good mother and no longer a dirty little slut girl. What a great deal!

Looking back, now, I believe I was suffering from my own version of Stockholm Syndrome. She was my only link to the outside world. She was my passage out of the hell I was in provided I did what she told me and believed all she said. That included believing I was nothing and the prospective adopters of my child were the bomb diggity. If I wanted my child to have a good life (without me) I had to go along with all that she said. I could not make her angry. I could not risk losing her as well. She was going to save my child from me. Ooh, how wonderful she was.

Were those prospective adopters that much better than me?  Would they or could they do better by my daughter than I could?

No. Not by a long shot.

But I did not believe that at the time and no one wanted me to think otherwise. My parents wanted the problem to be solved and for the “good girl with so much potential” to be returned to them in her original state. The agency wanted to make a profit and fulfill their commitment to the lovely couples lining up at their doors with their hands out ready to hold the child, any child (not specifically MY child), that they had previously only dreamed of. And me? I just wanted someone, anyone, to love me and to love my daughter. I saw separation of us as the only way for that to happen.

Who is to blame here? Is it really a matter of blame?  Will blaming anyone change the facts? Will blame get my daughter back? Will it fix her fractured identity?

Thoughts of culpability came to me last night along with these memories. I was engaged in dialogue with an adoptive dad who believes that adoptive parents are often (if not always) taken advantage of by the agencies just like mothers are.  I am inclined to agree.

Many of my mother/sisters disagree. They hold hard to the belief that adoptive parents are fully aware of the trauma that adoption causes to mother and child. They further believe that adoptive parents intentionally go out to rip children from their mother’s milk laden breasts and steal them. They believe that adoptive parents are selfish, evil creatures that care only about feeding their need for a child. (Side note: If that is to be presumed true then all mothers like me are indeed slut or nut crack whores, no?)

I believe once again, we are giving adoptive parents way too much credit here.  They really aren’t that crafty.

No offense, but my experience has shown that adoptive parents can be as ignorant and as used as natural parents.

They are human after all.

Should adoptive parents be more probing, questioning and ethical in their adoption process? I don’t think anyone would doubt that.

But one could also argue that natural parents should be more informed of the damage of adoption to children.

How do you make that happen if both parties are relying on a middle man to tell them the alleged truth?

A middle man that is making mucho dinero by taking advantage of all parties involved?

A middle man that cares little about the welfare of the child and a lot about filling their own coffers.

October 25, 2007

Indecent Disclosure

"Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken.  - Jane Austen"

One of the presenters at the Ethics conference that spoke at the Accountability to Prospective and Current Adoptive Parents session had some rather, um, interesting, views.

I will be candid and state that I greatly disliked this person views and the material presented. The individual was clearly pro family separation and even more so pro prospective adoptive parent. They seemed to be unaware that just because something is legal does not make it ethical.

The use of the “birth” term was used to refer to expectant mothers and a few interesting suggestions were made to prospective adopters when considering those birthmothers. When language was addressed to this person, they were asked to refer to expectant mothers as expectant mothers and not birthmothers. To me, the person appeared to find that suggestion amusing and appeared to mock the requestor and the terminology.

A list of things she suggests PAPs consider prior to placement:

  • Obtain a criminal background check on expectant mother or father. Purpose is to find out if the parent might be in jail or prison at the time of the planned consent.
  • Conduct a financial background check and obtain credit reports on expectant parents.  Check for bankruptcy filings – prior to placement.
  • Obtain prenatal care records and speak with the obstetric attending physician (she cites the need for a HIPAA release, how knowledgeable of her!)
  • Present the expectant parents with detailed questionnaires and tell them that they must be signed under oath and carry a penalty of perjury.
  • Test the fetus, in utero, prior to placement, for drug or birth defects.
  • The list goes on.

Additionally, to obtain this information, the presenter gives suggestions as to how the prospective adopters can “compel, cajole, persuade, coax or threaten” the expectant parents to provide the information.

Not surprisingly, many of us in the audience struggled with these suggestions. Sitting around me were both first moms and adoptive moms and even the adoptive moms were horrified at the suggestions. One adoptive mom sent me a text message on my phone that said “I don’t like her”.

When several of us started quietly objecting, I was approached by a nearby attendee who objected to our objections. 

“There is nothing wrong with what she is suggesting. She is merely doing the best she can to insure her adoptive parent clients obtain a quality product. Please quiet down.”

Yes, he actually said that to me.

Let’s flip this around. I wonder if we don’t have the cart before the horse here. It would seem to me that the person requesting bank, financial and drug test data should be the expectant parent. 

At a minimum, if such testing and checking must occur, on the “product” prior to placement, it should go both ways. 

Natural parents should be provided the same. Can we get our own psychological assessments on prospective adopters? How about legal filings? Credit reports? Family history data? Health history? Maybe a statement from a marital counselor on the chances that their marriage will survive? How about we send them through an obstacle course to see how nimble they are? How quickly can they run to a crying child?

Oh, I know many of these are part of a homestudy but is that information shared regularly, or upon request with expectant parents? I can tell you that I never saw anything like that on my daughters adoptive parents. I had a hand written profile that was later determined to be partially incorrect. I trusted (haha) the agency.

I understand the need to protect the interests of the parties involved but can we protect the interests of ALL and most importantly, can we protect our CHILDREN from unnecessary risk due to amniocentesis?

I realize the chance of miscarriage due to amnio is believed to be minimal (or exact risk unknown) but um, hello, why take the chance? Imagine an PAP paying for an amnio, the mother losing the child, what then? Can the mother sue the PAPs for wrongful death? Can we focus on protecting the child FIRST and not the PAPs?

Better yet, can we protect our mothers and children so that the need for adoption doesn’t event exist? And if it MUST exist can we please make it a bit more ethical?

And for gosh sakes, can we please, for the love of god, stop referring to our children as PRODUCT?

October 23, 2007

November is National Adoption BEWAREness Month

From my friends at OriginsUSA:

Some "celebrate" National Adoption Awareness Month in November.

Adoption, however is not a "win-win" for all. For every family added to by adoption, another experiences an irrevocable and painful loss.   

111281m OriginsUSA, an organization dedicated to Natural Family Preservation and justice for families seperated by adoption, cannot "celebrate" adoption as a "positive way to build families."

For members of OriginsUSA, November is a time to call attention to the need to prevent unnecessary adoptions by providing families in need the resources they need to remain intact.

We thus declare November as National Adoption BEWAREness Month.

  • BEWARE of claims that surrendering a child to adoption is noble or selfish or best; that it will guarantee your child a "better life" or afford you an opportunity for a better life.
  • BEWARE of those who tell you that adopting a child is "the same as if" you gave birth.
  • BEWARE of those who tell you that your child will go to a "forever family" as the national divorce statistics hold true in adoptive families as well, and a high percentage of children are victims of "failed adoptions", a phrase the industry coined to cover children returned to the agencies. 
  • BEWARE of those who speak of your current situation as reason to surrender your child to adoption.  You will get older, you can get work, colleges are full of non-traditional students, and your current situation is temporary, but loss to adoption is forever.

During this month, on November 10th, we will participate in Reg Day to bring awareness to the loss suffered those adopted by the denial of their truth with the issuance of a false birth certificate.

The month will culminate on November 31 with Strange and Mournful Day!  Wear your Strange and Mournful Day ribbon on that day and throughout the year, to recognize the sadness of mothers losing their children to adoption. 

Using a phrase taken from the "Mother and Child Reunion" by Paul Simon, the name of the occasion is intended to stress both the unnatural (strange) nature of adoption separation and the accompanying "mournful" grief.

October 22, 2007

Quid Pro Quo

"Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.” - Wayne Dyer

He was angry at me. I could tell. He disagreed with my statement and my experience flew in the face of his attitude with an angry rage.

I did not care. He was wrong. He knew it. He was angry at me because sharing my experience garnered support from the rest of the session attendees and made him look like a selfish cretin.

The topic?

Paying for the expenses of an expectant mother prior to surrender.

I emphatically disagreed and said so.  Never, ever, in my opinion, should the expenses of an expectant mother be paid for by prospective adopters or the agency.

I am not suggesting NO ONE should pay those expenses. That would be plain silly. If a mother is unable to obtain payment for proper medical care for her and her unborn child, someone should surely help her. Her family,  the father, the state welfare system, etc. But it should never be the adopters or the agency.

Doing so creates a sense of obligation and is, in my opinion, a prime example of coercion and what is wrong with our adoption system.

So he continued…

“I have a real problem with you suggesting I should not be paying expenses so that my child gets proper care in utero”

I really had to hold back my laughter. Did he hear himself?

Most of the people in the room heard the flaw in his argument.  Was I going to counter?

I had to.

“Well, see, until that child is born and surrendered by his or her mother it is NOT YOUR child.”

He looked at me like I was an idiot. It was clear he could not grasp the concept.

“Let me ask you” I suggested “If that mother had NO intent of surrendering her child, better yet, if she was going to give it to another adopter, would you still be paying for her expenses?”

“Well, uh,…” he stammered.

He realized I had trapped him in his own ignorance. He was drowning in it.

At that point the moderator had to cease the session.

But I made my point.

And he knew it.