Writing My Wrongs

Not Everything To Me

"Christianity came into existence in order to lighten the heart; but now it has first to burden the heart so as afterwards to be able to lighten it." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

So, okay, I have to comment here. Normally I don’t. Typically I would worry that someone is using me to promote their own agenda. Even if that is the case, I have to comment.

Normally I cannot get past Christian propaganda, pro life hoo-ha and pro adoption koolaid.  With this artist, I was able to.  Not only do I like his voice, but he is kinda cute (dontcha think?). I liked his website design and oddly, his album title “Broken and Beautiful” bears a strong resemblance to my own myspace handle “Beautifully Broken”.   Overall, I was drawn to the artistic aspects and as such I watched the video and read his site. And yes, I was curious about the commenter.

Who is this guy?  What is this post about?

Someone, I am assuming perhaps the artist himself or someone known to him, left a comment on my blog (see previous post under Karaya).  I was confused at first but then followed the link to Marc Schultz music and watched the video. “Everything to Me”.

I found myself very glad that I am the type of person that can break things down and appreciate things for their artistic value even if I don’t believe in the overall message.

As noted previously, I applaud the creative aspects of this song and the accompanying video. It was indeed touching.

The message however – still disturbs me.  It further disturbs me that certain parties will use a beautiful voice and accompanying video as a Christian stick to beat more mothers into surrendering their children calling it "gods plan".

Now I don’t get the sense that the commenter was attempting to be a pro adoption Nazi. I don’t know. But my intuition is generally very good and my feeling is that this commenter and the artist (if not one in the same) really believed they are doing something good and more importantly, they were trying to offer comfort to me.

I appreciate that.  I really do. They also seemed sensitive enough by the words in their comment to know that their sharing might be painful or triggering to me. As such, I don’t think the commenter is a total pro adoption putz.

Where I struggle with the song, the message, the video is in the fact that it seems to focus on all that is good in adoption AND it uses religion as a tool to do that. It overlooks the trauma experienced by the mother and the lifelong wound caused to the child that is surrendered to adoption.  Sure, if you are a Christian pro-lifer you will focus on the good in this video and song. If you are a person educated on primal wound, attachment disorder, PTSD and other, you may see otherwise as I did.

I also find it interesting that the video shows a young girl, attractive, presumably middle class, without track marks or missing teeth. In summary, the stereotypical prey for our adoption industry mongrel. At least they got the imagery correct.

I wonder how the majority of adoptees I know feel about this song and video? Do they sit in church and thank Jesus that their mother gave them up? Do they think she did a wonderful thing that may allow her to cut ahead in line when she is waiting her entrance into someone’s heaven? 

Seriously, I encourage my adoptee friends that read here to go watch the video and come back and tell me your thoughts. Maybe I am too hardcore family preservation. Read the lyrics too. 

I realize there are adoptees who are truly happy, content, and pleased that they were given up, abandoned, surrendered, relinquished and more. They had good adoptive families and leave full productive lives and don’t care about medical history or people who look like them. I don’t speak for them. Nor do I speak for the mothers who give thanks to Jesus for allowing them to be the vessel through which someone else was able to build a family. Hallelujah to them all. To them I extend my hand and offer a hearty "Peace be with you".

It is for the many mothers and adoptees who were deeply scarred and harmed by adoption that I speak. It is for the young girls that are sent away, forced to sign papers, denied information and legal representation. It is for those that are truly coerced and intimidated and shamed into surrendering their children to strangers. It is for the young girls who desperately want to keep and raise their children but are bullied into believing that lack of a six figure job  or a husband means you  cannot be good mother. It is for the mothers who had the carrot of open adoption dangled in their face only to find the carrot gone and eaten soon after their child was in the arms of their new mommy and daddy.

They need a voice. We need a voice. The NCFA and the religious radicals have all the sweetness of adoption well covered.  Sadly, I fear that  the song and video of Mark Schultz may be  more fuel for the already raging fires of the NCFA.

Bottom line? For me?  Artist to artist – I say, kudos on a nice piece of work but I regret that I cannot support the message as presented. It is not that simple.

I don’t feel as though I did  a good thing for my daughter by abandoning her to strangers. I don't think she will ever thank me for leaving her at 3 days old without a clue where she was going or to whom.

Since I don’t believe in God, any God, I cannot fall back on some religious belief that my efforts will get me into some ones heaven. If you can and you are fairly certain you are going to heaven, then you will likely enjoy this video.

Just remember, in heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

Labels

"Truth is generally the best vindication against slander” - Abraham Lincoln

Adam briefly addressed language several times during the conference. At one point, when one vitriolic clearly pro adoption and pro adopter rights creature was presenting, he had to get a bit more firm.

Sure, the "b" word was used at the conference. For many its the only word they know and they dont understand that some use it harshly and even still that many mothers are offended by the term. Many are willing to learn and understand and several adjusted their language and even more apologized after the fact if they were at all offensive. Again, it was familiarity not slander or marginalizing.

I myself have never been hugely set off by the birth mother word. I dont use it and I prefer not to have my sisters referred to that way. I also agree that language shapes attitudes and values. I agree with attempting to cease the slanderous use BUT I dont think its our biggest battle to fight in adoption reform and I become discouraged when others get stuck there.

Others agree with me and we had excellent dialogue on the topic at the conference.  The best analogy I heard was comparing it to the civil rights movement.

Would african americans have felt better if those black bathrooms were instead labeled and called "African American"? Was that their only issue? Did they object to the segregation and the lack of respect or did they only react to the words? Was it the labels applied to the black sections that were offensive or the practices that caused the labels and the racism?  If we stopped using the "N" word but switched out to African American but still kept the back of the bus bullshit and separate schools and  bathrooms would that have solved all problems?

One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt. It goes something like this:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

That applies to birthmother, barfmother, birfmudder and so on.  When presented by individuals with the BM mother attitude, I dont let them get to me. Their attitude is a reflection of THEM not me.

As always, labels are for cans.

I am my daughters mother.

Its that simple.

Did I raise her? No.

But her adoptive mother did not give birth to her either.

We are both  mothers.