Writing My Wrongs

The In Crowd

“Nonconformists travel as a rule in bunches. You rarely find a nonconformist who goes it alone. And woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with nonconformity.” - Eric Hoffer

Seems to be that students at Wittenburg University in Ohio are doing a class assignment on adoption.  Nic noted their traffic in her blog and I checked mine as well.

I feel so honored! I am in the cool kids clique.  Must be the funny bones I serve at my table. Or maybe it is that Nic is sitting with me. Hey Claud, are they trolling you too?  Anyone else?

On a more serious note, like Nic, I am curious what the students are writing about, what they glean from my blog,  Nics or anyone else they are presumably using as a case study.

Are they pro or anti family preservation? Are they attempting to show the traumatic affects of separating mother from child?  Perhaps some work on Primal Wound?  Or shudder the thought, are they hoping to produce some material to support the NCFA and ongoing heinous practices of the United States Adoption Industry. Is my blog the proof they search to prove we are all a bunch of nutters that deserved to lose our children?

Do tell dear students! If I can help you more directly, feel free to write me.  Email addy found on the about me page (along with a lovely picture and some bio text).

Happy studying!

Mano y Mano

“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.” - Louis Nizer

I know I have a number of male readers here. There is a great first dad in Montana, another in Maine. There is an adoptive dad in PA. There may be more.

I want their thoughts (of course females are welcome to comment too but I am really after the male perspective).

Why are men so easily disregarded when it comes to their children and the loss of their children to adoption?

Is it as simple as the fact that the woman carries the child?

Why does society find it so acceptable for men to NOT take responsbility for the children they produce?

If a young girl is called a whore and slut for having sex with a boy, why is he not called the same?  If we punish the girl by taking her child, why not say, oh, castrate the man? (Extreme I know but I am going for shock value).

I realize in many cases the fathers did not even know their children existed. I also know in many cases their mothers parents took over and the father was pushed aside.

Why is this allowed?

If you are a the father to a daughter who is single and expecting, why havent you gone after the father or his family? And by gone after, I mean, expect him to support your daughter and the child they created? Why is he allowed to get off scot- free (if that is the case) and you and your daughter bear all responsbility?

I have my own thoughts on this but and they are expansive but I dont want to seed the soil with my own perspective.  (And yeah, Dawn, I expect you to pipe up here even if you lack a Y chromosome)

I dont necessarily want fact, research, feminist citations. I want to know what the MEN feel and think about adoption, unplanne d pregnancies, etc.

So men, what say you?

Guest Blogger: Mr. Dink

"A man is judged by his deeds, not by his words" - A Book of English and Russian Proverbs and Sayings by author M. Dubrovin, Moscow, "Prosvesheniye", 1993.

I asked Mr. Dink to consider contributing a post to my blog.  He was kind enough to agree.   It is below. It is limited in identifying information to protect his  privacy  and more importantly his daughter's.

I do want to add that he is an adoptive father. The daughter referenced here is his oldest.

It really needs no further set up or explanation.  You should see why I love him.

"She's coming to live with you. I can't take this any more!" Phone call from my ex before she sent my daughter to stay with me after months of agonizing mother-daughter infighting. She showed up on the train next day, bag in hand.

"Daddy, I'm pregnant. I'm not going to be a marine." Text message sent six feet from the bathroom of my apartment to my living room.

"I don't want to have this baby." Statement made in line at the local Boston Market. Weeks of counseling and soul searching came before, and a safe, well-considered abortion followed.

"Daddy, I'm pregnant… Three months." Phone call a week after her graduation from Army basic training. And then, "I won't give this baby up. My first mom gave me up. I won't do that to another person."

It's hard for me to place dates on emotionally charged events. A little careful historical research could probably sort them out, but that wouldn't matter. Messages like these define time more than they are defined by it.

Any glib comments or harsh judgments about the failure to use birth control? Keep them to yourselves, please. I'm not your audience.

Abandoned or sold at 5, adopted or bought at 7, ten years of intra- and interpersonal turmoil, two pregnancies, two decisions. If you fail to respect a young woman who has come through that and still finds it within her power to care about herself and her child, the shortcomings of person hood are yours. I hope that you will draw from her example and become well.

She's my daughter and I'm proud of her." copyright Mr. Dink, 2008

In My Head

"Well behaved women rarely make history" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

I think Jenna was in my head today.

"I accept the responsibility for my pregnancy, for not being strong enough to say, “No, I’m keeping her,” when I was faced with negativity from my family regarding my financial state and for not believing in myself enough to realize my potential as a parent. But I will not take the blame for believing what I was told was the truth and the whole story. I am not a mind reader. In fact, when I try to guess at people’s intention, I usually end up making a bigger mess! I am human. Things I did and decided contributed to the placement. Things other people did and decided also contributed to the placement.

No human lives in a vacuum. Personal responsibility is one thing. But when agencies aren’t being held accountable, I’m wondering where their responsibility lies? Why don’t they have to be responsible for the truth? Why do I have to take responsibility for things that were beyond my scope? Why do I have to take responsibility when I was lied to? Where is that line exactly? I know it’s a gray line. But when you trust someone and something to be honest with you and they lie… where is that line of fault? If my Husband cheats on me and tells me that he is faithful and I believe him… is it my fault when he leaves me for the other woman?" Read the full post at the authors site - Chronicles of Munchkinland

Keep on talking, Jenna.  We will change things. We must. We must do it for Munchkin, for my daughter M, for our sons and for the women that will bear their children.

We will do it.

Believe that.

Because with moms like you, and Nic and Claud and others around,  I certainly do.

 

The Shadow Knows

"Where there is much light, the shadow is deep” - Johann Goethe

I agree it is in very poor taste. I further agree it is likely a hoax or piece of satire. I know people who have done similar things. I don't approve. In fact, I stopped being friendly with two folks online for their involvement in such things.

Yet for some reason, I could not help but think this site is the shadow of adoption as it exists today.

We find it horrible to think of adopting a child to harvest their organs. 

Yet so many find nothing wrong with adopting a child and harvesting their life.

Yes, their life.

In many adoptions of yesteryear and sadly still today, children are often adopted to be the replacement child. They are adopted by couples who dont have the best interest of the child in mind. They are adopted by couples who have their own interest in mind.

They want a child.They go to great lengths, often illegal, unethical lengths to obtain that child. They erase that childs life, their heritage, the existence of their family. They change their name. They keep the child even when the adoption is proven illegal and they are ordered to return the child by the courts. They dont take an organ from the child. They take the child's entire life.

Are they the majority? I would like to think not. But the fact that they exist and are allowed to operate as they do should give us all pause just like this site does.

Is using a child for their body parts really that much more horrid than using a childs life to make anothers life whole?

No doubt this hoax is horrific, but look deeper, is it really that different than what already exists in some places today? Or might it be merely a darker shade of the same sacred cow?

Why are we so horrified by it? Becuase it might happen? Or because it is already happening and this site shows it to us in black and white and pretty pictures?

Or does it force us to look at the shadow of adoption. Everything casts a shadow in the right light.  Everything has a dark side. Is this site showing us the dark side? Are folks upset that there is a dark side to adoption? Or are they worried that this may actually happen? And if it does, what are we going to do TODAY to stop it?

MOMS & DADS: Please take this survey

There is a new survey out on the web. It is for mothers or fathers who have relinquished or had their rights terminated.

It is believed that if we get the required numbers of birth parents to take this survey, that this can be the MOST comprehensive online birth parent survey to date.

The sponsors would like to see OVER 600 birth parents take this survey by December 1, 2008.

So if you are an adoptee, sibling or searcher and KNOW of a birth parent who can take this survey, please ask them to do so.

All questions which have a RED * by them are a REQUIRED question. YOU HAVE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

Please go to the link below and take the survey and thank you in advance for your cooperation:

http://www.question pro.com/akira/TakeSurvey? id=844922

Roberta MacDonald -
Chairwoman NC Coalition for Adoption Reform
NC State Representative - American Adoption Congress

Ssssh, its a seeqwet

“To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.” - Abraham Lincoln

I have had a poll on the right nav bar of my blog for almost a year. The poll question asks "Who is protected by closed records?" and gives three options: adoptive parents, adoptees or natural parents.

Several of my blog visitors noted they could not vote as they disagreed with the word "protected". They offered up "benefited from".  Even with the word change, many would say the same as my poll results show: adoptive parents benefit and are protected by closed records.

This is where the secret comes in.  Are ya ready?

Come close to your monitor. Put your ear up real close. I will not repeat myself.  I am going to whisper.

No, closer. Closer. A little bit closer.

Okay, this is the deal.

Why don't we open all the records but not tell the adoptive parents? 

Isn't that a fabulous idea?  Sssh. No. Don't laugh. Someone might hear you.  I think it is a fabulous idea. Lets open them all and chalk it up to what they don't know wont hurt them, mkay?

Oh, shoot, you are right, what about those adoptive parents who are also adoptees?

Hmm, okay, how about we send all adoptive parents a consent form.  On the form they will be asked to check  off "yes" or "no". The question will be a simple one. If adoption records are opened do you want to know about it? If they check no, well, we simply wont tell them. 

Oh, okay, I gather that won't work at all.

If the majority of my blog visitors (which is such an amazingly accurate sample size, right?) think closed records are benefiting adoptive parents, can someone explain why adoptees and their natural families cannot have them opened?

The days of being stigmatized as a bastard are long gone. And guess what? Here is another secret. (Yes, come closer to the monitor. I am going to whisper this one too.). The bastards know they are bastards. Yup. Shocking. I know. But its true. Someone actually told them that they were adopted. And you know what else? Some of them aren't really bastards. Some were born to married parents that surrendered them. Should they be called bastards? Its a tad bit inaccurate, no? You are protecting them from something already know. So, um, hello? I remain confused.

Finally, and more importantly, I would like all natural mothers to consider attending or supporting the Adoptee Rights Protest to be held in New Orleans.

The powers that be like to use mothers like me, and YOU, as the excuse for keeping records closed. (We are still getting a bad rap after all these years. The loss of your child to adoption is not the gift that keeps on giving but more like the wound that keeps on bleeding.) Again, they speak for us.   Again, they steal our voice.  No more. I believe it would an enormous show of support for our adopted adults if mothers showed up at their protest. 

Silent all these years. No more. Don't let them speak for us or use us as the excuse our children cannot have their true identities back.

Help stop the insanity for all of us.

A Day for Adoptee Rights!
Tuesday July 22, 2008
New Orleans, LA
Lafayette Square

If you are not adopted, chances are you do not even know about adoptees being denied their birth certificates by 44 of our 50 United States. It is time for us to unite, and take a stand against our sealed records and for the discrimination to come to an end. The state legislatures have the power to unseal our records, which is why we will be protesting our sealed records at the Annual State Legislatures Convention, where over 10,000 legislatures are expected to be in attendance.

Bastard Nation, the nations largest adoptee rights organization has proudly co-sponsored the event. Together we will be getting a booth inside the Legislatures Convention to have floor time with the legislatures to let them know we’re not taking this issue lightly, we mean business, and the time to restore our rights is NOW.

Sunday July 20th, 2008 Bastard Nation is having a teach-in that you do not want to miss. Tuesday July 22, 2008 all protestors are to meet at Lafayette Square where we will have speakers, and a rally. Together, we will then march to the Ernest Morial Convention Center where all of the legislatures will be attending their annual meeting and we will have an old fashioned picket for our Adoptee Rights in front of the center.

If you know an adoptee, are an adoptee or love an adoptee, the time to show your support for this event is now! You do not have to be adopted to be in attendance, this is for EVERYONE who believes in open records for adult adoptees. We are depending on donations for the life and growth of this protest so please consider donating today! Thank you to all who have donated thus far, this protest wouldn’t be happening without YOU. Visit our home base today to buy clothing for the protest, we have merchandise from Bastard Nation as well as Adoptees Unite, each will definitely dress you in full Adoptee Rights attire for the protest.

Keep you eyes and ears open and get in on the auction we’ll be having on site soon for a free room at the protest! May this New Year bring openness, honesty and truth to adoptees around the world!

Don’t hesitate, visit our website today!

http://www.AdopteeRights.net

Slaying the Beast

“An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.” - Buddha

He pulled me closer to him, moved my hair and whispered in my ear.

“Do you think we could turn the movie off for a minute? The storyline is upsetting me a bit. It is reminding me of similar challenging times in my own life.” he said faintly, with apparent angst in his voice.

“Of course” I said as I jumped from the couch and quickly ran towards the DVD player.

As I settled myself back on the couch he explained a little bit of what he was feeling. I listened and eventually responded with an “Oooooh, no….” and a hug.

He flinched.

“Don’t disagree with me. It’s my feeling. It’s true. Don’t say no.”

“Oh, gosh, that’s not what I meant”. I explained to him that what I was trying to say in my “Oh, noooo” was more like “I am sorry you are hurting. I see your pain. I cannot help it. It is very real. I respect it and just want to hold you." I was definitely not attempting to invalidate what he was feeling.

This memory flashed before me the other day when for some odd reason, I was recollecting the day that I told my ex husband about my daughters existence. 

He was caring in his response. I think he even cried. He held me, said he was sorry that had happened to me and that he wished he could have been there to help me. On the surface, it was a very sweet caring exchange.  He did not reject me.

But I wanted more than that.

I realize that now. Sure, the empathy was nice but I also wanted, and have since wanted, someone, anyone to be outraged along with me. Don’t pull me close and say you are sorry. That is somewhat dismissive and fails to acknowledge the depth of my pain.

Grab my hand and fight the demons with me. Stand up and holler. Get mad. Raise your fists to those that hurt me and help me in my fight to stop it from happening to others.  Don’t pull me close, say you are sorry and then get on with things like it never happened.

Ask me questions. Probe me on what happened. Appear interested to actually SEE what happened to me. Don't hug me, shrug it off and pretend it did not happen.

It did happen. It continues to happen. I live with that trauma every freaking day of my life and it continues to happen to others around me. Why doesn’t that bother you?

Of course, I realize that is silly. I cannot expect someone who has never lived the trauma at all to really understand it. Most don’t have the emotional capacity to look at their own scarred souls let alone take a peek at mine.  Avoidance is usually easier. Furthermore, most, if not all people I know, have swallowed enormous amounts of positive adoption language and mainstream media goo. They have no idea what adoption is often about.  They were assimilated long ago by the Adoption Borg.  They cannot think on their own. Their thoughts are those of the collective.

As the New Year approaches, I continue to hope that more and more people will begin to see the ugliness (as well as the beauty) in adoption. I will personally continue to do whatever I can to educate the masses, to write, to share, to speak at conferences, to support mothers in crisis. I am committed to making progress on my novel and yes, form a not-for-profit that will support family preservation and reunification.

We can slay this beast. We can.  We can make adoption about finding homes for children in need and not about finding babies for couples who cannot have them.   We can stop the womb raiding. 

For sake of our future mothers and children, we must.

We must.

Year in Review

"I am only one, But still I am one. I cannot do everything, But still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do." - Helen Keller

2007 was an incredibly successful year for the members of ehbabes.com and its associated online support group. Together, as a united force of mothers and adopted adults, we are proud to claim the following successes:

• We reunited six mothers with their children. All six reunions have been positive. No one denied contact. 
• Support group membership increased by 25%.
• Easter House Reunited Mother, Suz Bednarz, spoke at the Adoption Ethics and Accountablity Conference sponsored by The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute and Ethica, Inc.
• Reunited Easter House adoptee, Jean Provance, and her partner formed One Voice, No Secrets.  The organization is dedicated to changing the face of  adoption in the United States. The organization sponsored the "I Vote!" campaign to raise awareness of the need for open records in  adoption.
• Easter House Mother in Reunion, Mary Garvens, elected Secretary of OriginsUSA.
• American Friends of Children Mother, Dr. Bernadette Wright, elected President of OriginsUSA.
• Easter House Reunited Mother, Suz Bednarz, and American Friends of Children Mother, Dr. Bernadette Wright, participated in the making of the Real Mothers video.
• We organized three support drives for mothers in need. Two were for expectant or new young mothers considering surrender due to lack of support (financial, material and emotional).  The group provided emotional support and sent car seats, clothing, food and baby gifts to the mother in Ohio and Colorado.  The second mother was a new single mom who had recently lost her job. While waiting for her food stamps and social welfare to come through, the group sent boxes of food, gift cards, holiday gifts to her and her 5 month old child. Two of the babies are still with their mothers. The third was surrendered to a kinship adoption.

As Margaret Mead said “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

I want to hug this woman.

Yet another insigtful, educated, thoughtful post from A Family Affair. Excerpt below but you must read the entire post at her blog.

"This is one of the most common statements I hear about relinquishment. “I could never give up a child I gave birth to.” I believe a lot of people who say that. And I want to ask them, what do they think makes them so different from women who relinquish?

There’s a concept in psychology called the fundamental attribution error. Simply put, it’s the tendency for people to explain their own behavior in terms of external factors and other people’s behavior in terms of internal factors. I made a rude comment to a waitress today? Well, my rent is past due and I just failed a final. You made a rude comment to a waitress today? Boy, you’re rude.

I know this is overly simplistic, but it doesn’t mean it’s not useful. The societal perceptions of birthmothers (once you get past the ‘noble’ and ‘courageous’, which is just code for ‘noble and courageous enough not to subject children to their own chaotic and dysfunctional lives’) are overwhelmingly negative. They are negative pictures of their parenting ability, their work ethic, their morals, their choices. They are negative personal characterizations.

You know why the fundamental attribution error is thus named? Because it is fundamental. Because everyone does it, all the time. So let’s, simplistically, apply it here. Can we as individuals, can we as a society, take a step back, away from our catalogue of negative birthmother attributes and look at negative birthmother circumstances?

Why do we believe so strongly that we could never relinquish? Because we’re maternal, because we’re hardworking, because we’re sober and wise and kind? Would any of those matter if literally every single person around us was telling us we were unfit to parent? Would any of those matter if we were facing destitution and poverty? Would any of those matter if we were underage and deathly afraid of our family’s reactions? Well, sure, but that would never happen to us." - copyright A Family Affair 12/17/2007